Long Lasting Marriage

We Agree With The Title

2010-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

When we watched the movie "When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story" that portrayed the apparent unconditional love of Lois Wilson for her husband Bill Wilson, our initial reaction was that we agree with the title that love is not enough..

"... during the course of their years together, Lois puts up with about 110% more garbage than a modern woman would today. Bill's drinking and recovery costs her everything, including the family home, but it's always clear that this couple is devoted to each other ... 'Love' is a pleasant, burnished look at two intertwined lives. A second layer to their relationship goes ignored -- nary a hint of Bill's real-life philandering emerges, for example -- but it's a biopic, not a miniseries, after all."
Source: Reuters. "Cheers! AA Founder's Wife Gets hallmark Treatment." NYTimes.com. 4/21/2010.

While the Hallmark commercials had me getting teary eyed, the movie didn't have an emotional impact on us. Perhaps it is because we researched Bill and Lois Wilson's marriage before seeing the movie, so there were no surprises.

We Agree With The Title originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, April 26th, 2010 at 06:02:09.

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Interesting Discoveries in America at Home

2010-04-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

A rainy, chilly morning provided me with a reason to get comfy in my favorite chair with a few library books today. I decided to not read about marriage, but still discovered some interesting statistics and trivia about married couples.

When we asked readers if they would marry their spouse again, out of around 8000 votes 52% said no, 28% said yes, 17% said they didn't know, and 1% said they already did get remarried to their former spouse. The statistics quoted in America at Home are a bit different.

"80 percent of married men say they would marry the same woman if they took a time machine back to the day they got married. Only 50 percent of married woman would do the same."
Source: Rick Smolan, Jennifer Erwitt. America at Home: A Close-Up Look at How We Live. 2008. pg. 141.

When talking with married couples about date nights, we recommend getting out of the house. America at Home pictured an elderly couple who prove that isn't always necessary. They have the same date night every week -- at home.

"Aino and John Katsos, 86 and 90, ask their friends not to call them between 6 and 8 in the evening. That's when they listen to their extensive record collection, reminisce, or talk about the world. She was a teacher; he was a seaman. On Friday nights, they add dinner and candlelight to the mix."
Source: Rick Smolan, Jennifer Erwitt. America at Home: A Close-Up Look at How We Live. 2008. pg. 36.

The other books I read were about the lost dreams of families due to the erosion of beaches in the Pacific Northwest. They were informative, and the couples and families profiled were determined folks, but the pictures of crumbling homes and destroyed towns was depressing. I'm glad the last book I read during my escape this morning was America at Home. (Compare Prices)

Interesting Discoveries in America at Home originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 24th, 2010 at 04:11:12.

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Normal or Inevitable?

2010-04-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

We hope you don't fall into the trap of thinking that it is normal or inevitable for your relationship to fade or decline or continually be in a rut through your years together. Yes, there are stages that your marriage may experience, but it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to be without passion.

If you feel "disappointed, defensive or critical towards your partner", Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., recommends using what he calls the "art of creative indifference" to revitalize your marriage. LaBier describes this approach as refraining from "engaging in those old ways."

"You can never make your partner change or be different. You can only change how you deal with, respond to, and conduct yourself towards him or her."
Source: Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. "A Declining Relationship? Recharge It Through 'Indifference.'" PsychologyToday.com 4/22/2010.

While we agree with LaBier about not being able to change your spouse and the importance of changing your own responses, we think his use of the term "creative indifference" may confuse folks. If you are in a difficult marriage that only you want to change, we recommend that you accept that you can't change your spouse, face the issues and realities in your marriage, make time to get to know yourself again, consider giving your marriage a spring cleaning, and find ways to respond differently when the two of you have the same arguments over and over.

Normal or Inevitable? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 06:25:03.

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Two Articles to Make You Feel Better

2010-04-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Two articles we read this morning can make you feel better about taking care of yourself and letting go of myths that can hurt your marriage. Barton Goldsmith says even 10 minutes of joy can make a big difference and Pepper Schwartz writes about ten "myths about relationship based issues and behaviors that some experts will tell you are abnormal ..."

We enjoyed reading Schwartz's list. Even though you have some long silences, let your mind wander during sex, feel annoyed by something your spouse does, and tell a lie now and then, you are normal.

We also enjoyed Barton Goldsmith's article on "10 Life-Enhancing Things You Can Do in Ten Minutes or Less." Goldsmith writes that "a few minutes of joy here and there can make a big difference in what you get out of life." We especially like his suggestion to go to bed 10 minutes earlier and then just hold on to your spouse.

Two Articles to Make You Feel Better originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 17th, 2010 at 17:58:44.

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Long-Lasting Pain

2010-04-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Several years ago when we wrote "Coping With the Death of a Child", we said "the pain is long-lasting." So we were not surprised that a University of Michigan study found marriages can be at risk for nearly a decade after a stillbirth and for two or three years after a miscarriage.

Researchers at the University of Michigan Health System did the first national study on the effect of pregnancy loss (miscarriage or stillbirth) on relationships.

"Over a 15-year period, couples who miscarried had a 22 percent higher risk of experiencing a break-up while couples who experienced a stillbirth had a 40 percent higher risk of their relationship ending. For a miscarriage, the risk persists up to three years after the loss. For stillbirths, it persists up to nine years after the loss, according to research data."
Katherine Gold, M.D., M.S.W., M.S.: "Miscarriage and stillbirth can be powerful and traumatic events for families. While many couples become closer after a loss, if a couple was struggling before the loss, this could be a huge stress for their relationship."
Source: Margarita Bauza. "Couples more likely to break up after pregnancy loss, U-M research finds." UMich.edu. 4/05/2010.

Please don't think that losing a baby means your marriage is doomed. That's not what we or the study is saying. While a loss may bring you closer, it can create additional stress in your marriage. If you think your marriage is in trouble, seek professional help. We don't think this is something you can work through on your own.

Long-Lasting Pain originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 16th, 2010 at 03:55:18.

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Larry King's Thoughts on Marriage in 1989

2010-04-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Back in 1989, while getting ready to marry Julie Alexander, Larry King mentioned in an interview in Good Housekeeping that he didn't think he was suited to marriage. In another interview he justified his many marriages by saying:

"We are shocked when people marry several times, but if society would admit it, the truth is that many couples who've been married 50 years probably met other people and were afraid to move on. So there may be some envy in our shock, too. There must be some people who get lucky at 20, but that would be the oddity."
Source: Larry King. "I do ... I do ..." USA Weekend. 9/29-10/1/1989. pg. 4.

Now that his marriage to Shawn Southwick has ended, we wonder if Larry King has plans to "move on" again. What a sad way to view marriage.

Larry King's Thoughts on Marriage in 1989 originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, April 15th, 2010 at 02:33:34.

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Keeping Love Alive

2010-04-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

What to do when impotency impacts your marriage.

Torn Between Two LoversâPart 2

2010-04-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

More lessons on living in an unequally yoked marriage

It's a Sign

2010-04-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

Early this morning (when I should have been in bed) while working on an article about how important self care is to your marriage, our connection to the Internet died. It didn't flicker on and off. It was gone.

I took it as a sign that I needed to pay attention to what I was writing and I went to bed. I know I feel better and have more energy when I get enough sleep, do some exercise, eat healthy meals, and make time for myself. When I feel better, I'm a nicer and more interesting spouse, too.

Bottom line --and a recent study supports this -- if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not taking care of our marriages. Your personal well-being is important! Take care.

It's a Sign originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010 at 14:00:03.

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Responsibility for an Affair is NOT Shared

2010-04-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

Jim Carrey is not on my most popular people list today.

After he tweeted "Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^)", Jim Carrey clarified his tweet regarding the affairs of Tiger Woods. I really think Carrey should have kept his thoughts to himself ... especially his clarification.

Carrey's clarification? "I want 2 make it CLEAR that I do not condone infidelity at all, but 2 some degree the responsibility 4 it is shared by both people."

Sigh. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that responsibility for an affair is NOT shared by both spouses.

"What unfaithful men need to do is accept responsibility for their decision to cheat. They had a choice. The responsibility for the affair is on their shoulders alone."
Source: "The Blame Game Continues."

Choice. Decision. A cheating spouse chose to have the affair. A cheating spouse made the decision to be unfaithful rather than deal honestly with marital issues. I'm so tired of the blame game.

Responsibility for an Affair is NOT Shared originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, April 11th, 2010 at 01:19:12.

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Date Night would Make a Good Date Night

2010-04-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

We think it is great that the romantic comedy Date Night is putting date nights for married couples back in the news.

"To begin with, Carell and Fey look like they might be a pleasant married couple. Attractive, but not improbably so. Young, but not that young. Fit, but they don't reveal unexpected skills. And frightened when they need to be ...All of this is a way of saying that "Date Night" is funny because, against all odds, it is involving. Each crazy step in the bizarre plot made a certain sense because it followed from what went before ..."
Source: Roger Ebert. "Date Night." SunTimes.com. 4/07/2010.

If you haven't planned a date night for this weekend, consider going out to see Date Night. In real life, Steve Carell has been married to Nancy Walls since 1995 and has two children and Tina Fey has been married to Jeff Richmond since 2001 and has one child.

Date Night would Make a Good Date Night originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 9th, 2010 at 03:51:40.

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Feeling Let Down?

2010-04-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

What to do with an imperfect spouse.

Torn Between Two LoversâPart 1

2010-04-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Lessons on living in an unequally yoked marriage

Mint Ice Cream? Pumpkin Pie? Cinnamon Buns?

2010-04-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

One of the articles we read today was about keeping your sex life alive. Kristen Kemp's "Find Your Spark" surprised us by mentioning some aphrodisiacs not on our list!

The "minty smells and tastes stimulate blood flow to your pelvic region -- which is the first step toward full-blown arousal ... Men get aroused by the smells of cinnamon buns, vanilla, and pumpkin pie."

While we wonder how many folks will be adding mint ice cream and pumpkin pie to their shopping lists, we do like the opinion of Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., "One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs is your undivided attention."

Mint Ice Cream? Pumpkin Pie? Cinnamon Buns? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 at 01:22:18.

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Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: He means home to me

2010-04-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Since we are redecorating our 1930s home, I enjoy looking at pictures of homes of the 1930s and 1940s. Today I found an interesting quote by Abby Aldrich Rockefeller on a site about Bassett Hall from the Victoriana ...daily blog. Basset Hall in Williamsburg, Virginia was one of the residences of the Rockefellers in their later years.

Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: "I am happy and contented whereever your father happens to be. He means home to me. I really feel sorry for the unhappy people who cannot find companionship in their married lives. I do not believe that it is something that happens, I think it is something that is achieved."
Source: Mary Miley Theobald. "Our Little Colonial House." ColonialWilliamsburg.com. Autumn 2002.

Abby Rockefeller's comment reinforces the importance of friendship in your marriage and knowing what makes you happy.

Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: He means home to me originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, April 5th, 2010 at 04:23:20.

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Sex Addiction -- A Bogus Concept

2010-04-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Describing sex addiction as a bogus concept, certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist Marty Klein refuses to treat supposed "sex addicts." Klein is well known for his opposition to the concept of "sex addiction."

"I don't treat sex addiction. The concept is superficial. It isn't clearly defined or clinically validated, and it's completely pathology-oriented. It presents no healthy model of non-monogamy, pornography use, or stuff like S/M. Some programs eliminate masturbation, which is inhumane, naive, and crazy ... What I mostly see instead of "sex addicts" is people who are neurotic or narcissistic. They can't quite believe that the normal rules of life ("tell the truth," "all behavior has consequences") apply to them."
Source: Marty Klein, PhD. "An Epidemic of 'Sex Addiction'?" PsychologyToday.com. 4/02/2010.
"What I do know is that, after 30 years as a psychotherapist and sex therapist, I've never seen a sex addict. I've seen people who were obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar, depressed, anxious, or borderline. I've seen people who were selfish or unconsciously enraged; who lacked empathy, who hated their spouse, or who specifically didn't want a divorce but were withering from the lack of touching. And yes, I've seen men and women who were scathingly self-critical about their sexual choices, and kept right on making the same damn choices. But calling any of them "sex addicts" deprives them of a proper diagnosis and psychologically profound treatment. It focuses on the surface symptom-sexual behavior -- while ignoring possible deeper dynamics."
Source: Marty Klein, PhD. "Our Addiction to Tiger Woods' 'Sex Addiction.'" PsychologyToday.com. 2/20/2010.

Klein advises patients to tell the truth, share their concern and desire for change, accept their responsibility in causing pain, and express regret. We would add stop cheating to the list of what to do when caught cheating.

Sex Addiction -- A Bogus Concept originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010 at 02:26:14.

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Marriage Then and Now

2010-04-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Taking a look back to marriages of the 70s and then forward to the marriages of today, Lisa Belkin gives interesting statistics such as how many of us can't make gravy from scratch (two-thirds of us) and how couples are approaching parenting today.

"The young men and women coming into adulthood right now consistently tell researchers that they are determined to make their marriages into partnerships and to not default to traditional gender roles at the expense of equality. (And hopefully invest less of their own identities in their children.)"
Source: Lisa Belkin. "The Marrying Kind." NYTimes.com. 3/22/2010

Do you think your marriage is different from your parents' marriage? How do you define marriage?

Marriage Then and Now originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 2nd, 2010 at 02:25:20.

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Bedtime Burdens

2010-03-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

She Said: "I need some sleep." He Said: "Sleep?"

No Excuses

2010-03-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

How to have a great marriage even if you had lousy role models

A Surprise About a Wedding Blessing

2010-03-28T03:00:00.000-07:00

An email we received yesterday about the popular Apache Wedding Blessing took us by surprise. That page was one of the first pages on our web site back in 1997.

In 2007, Rebecca Mead revealed in her expose of the wedding industry, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, that the blessing was actually written by screenwriter Albert Maltz for the 1950 movie Broken Arrow. Thanks Jennifer for the FYI!

A Surprise About a Wedding Blessing originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, March 28th, 2010 at 00:03:13.

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The Blame Game Continues

2010-03-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Last week I read this reprehensible quote by a guy about the Bullock-James infidelity situation: "They [wives] shouldn't have allowed their men to be tempted!" It's been bothering me ever since I first read it.

What's a woman supposed to do so he won't be tempted? Put a sack over his head or put him on a leash? Never let him out of her sight? Make sure he never watches television or goes to the movies or turns on a computer or walks down a sidewalk where there are other women in view? How about his thoughts? Should she find a way to control his thoughts, too?

The fact that a guy would say something like this shouldn't shock me, but it does. It infuriates me that some men feel very justified putting the blame on the wife for her husband's cheating ways.

What unfaithful men need to do is accept responsibility for their decision to cheat. They had a choice. The responsibility for the affair is on their shoulders alone.

The Blame Game Continues originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 27th, 2010 at 02:34:24.

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Is This As Unusual As It Seems?

2010-03-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the locker room sex scene from Porky's where Kim Cattrall's character howls rather loudly? Steve and Caroline Cartwright have a similar problem. Caroline is a noisy love-maker and her neighbors don't like the Cartwrights' loud sex sessions.

Even though the couple moved their bed into the dining room after receiving an ASBO, their neighbors still complained of being disturbed by Caroline's whines, moans, and wails. The Telegraph reports Caroline was arrested and "thrown back into a bail hostel to keep her and husband Steve apart while the courts decide what to do next."

Since this is creating stress in their marriage, what solutions would you suggest to the Cartwrights?

Is This As Unusual As It Seems? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 25th, 2010 at 14:59:13.

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A One-Way Turn Around ...

2010-03-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

For a two-way relationship

Great Expectations

2010-03-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

It's fine to have themâ"as long as they are grounded in reality

The Cheesy Tot Thing

2010-03-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning at 7 am -- hard to believe for a night owl like me. I woke up craving a pastry for breakfast. So I went to our local store and the deli had cheesy tots! Cheesy tots!

I love cheesy tots even though they get a D+ nutrition grade. The only place I knew that sold cheesy tots was Burger King and when we stopped at one a couple weeks ago about 90 miles away, they had removed cheesy tots from their menu.

I filed a complaint and went into mourning.

Then this morning I discovered cheesy tots just 2 miles from our house! Yeah!

So what does this have to do with marriage? First, Bob accepts my cheesy tot thing without doing the eye roll thing. Second, I did think of him in the midst of the cheesy tot euphoria and purchased a jelly roll for him. Third, we had a good laugh together over my morning escapade.

The only problem is the deli only makes the cheesy tots in the morning. And they sell out fast. So if I want cheesy tots, I have to get up early in the morning. That's not likely to happen very often.

The Cheesy Tot Thing originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 at 11:40:36.

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My Vacuum Cleaner Curse

2010-03-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

This first day of spring and thinking about spring cleaning both in our marriage and in our home, reminds me of my vacuum cleaner curse. Yes, I wrote vacuum cleaner curse. When it comes to vacuum cleaners, I'm cursed.

I'm sure the invention of the vacuum cleaner helps millions of people every day. But not me. My vacuum cleaner curse goes back to my childhood.

When I was a kid my folks made me vacuum with a horrid super heavy canister vacuum that looked like a long tube. It took forever to get a room finished with that old thing. I hated that vacuum.

When Bob and I got married, the second thing we purchased as a married couple was a new vacuum cleaner. We got conned into buying this thing called a Compact vacuum cleaner. It looked like a turquoise pig. We were told they used the thing on airplanes. We paid a fortune for it -- 46 years ago, nearly $400 was a lot of money for an evil vacuum cleaner. The sucker didn't suck and the hose was easily plugged with little things. I kept a kitchen table knife in my pocket to drop down the hose to dislodge stuff. I hated that vacuum cleaner too. But because we paid so much for it, Bob absolutely refused to get another vacuum cleaner. It was an issue we could not talk about without both of us getting upset. I used that awful thing for nearly 30 years. I was finally set free when the pig vacuum died in the moving van fire. I grieved over the loss of 93% of everything we owned -- but not that [bleep] vacuum.

I researched what vacuums were best and we bought an upright one to replace the one I had been using that Bob found in a dumpster when we were really broke. I can't remember the brand of the new replacement, but it was a dud. I hated it too.

Luckily, I didn't have to live with it for very long. It died on its own. Bob accused me of killing it. I didn't. I think our daughter Judy did it in out of love for her mother.

Next comes a series of stupid, dumb, unfortunate choices in vacuum cleaners. All died untimely deaths.

Then I bought a Dyson. It had great reviews. Bob mumbled. It worked okay but I didn't like the heaviness of it or the way the pieces fit together. I spent so much money on the darn thing, I figured I was stuck with that vacuum cleaner until I died. Then the vacuum became a casualty of the kitchen fire. I don't miss it.

I have not purchased another vacuum cleaner. Now that we don't have carpet in our home, I'm okay with using a Swiffer or in extreme situations, Bob's huge, really big, ugly, professional construction vacuum. His vacuums are not cursed. Just mine.

My Vacuum Cleaner Curse originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 20th, 2010 at 22:37:54.

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Confusing Apology

2010-03-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one confused by the apology Jesse James made to his wife Sandra Bullock and his kids? First James says in a statement to PEOPLE, "The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded." Then he says "There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way."

So what is he apologizing for? Did he have an affair with tattoo model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee or not? What does he mean by poor judgment?

Jesse James did some things right in his apology.

He did ask for forgiveness.
He didn't put any responsibility for whatever he is apologizing for on Sandra.
He didn't ramble and didn't try to be funny.
He expressed sadness and regret but he didn't share what he did or what he believes he needs to do to make things right again.

Recently Jesse said that Sandra took his breath away. If that statement is true, why did he cheat on her? We agree with Cathy Meyer and hope that allegations against James are false. Cathy also wrote, "For Sandra Bullock's sake and the sake of the children she has grown to love as an extension of her love for James. One also has to wonder why bad people continue to do bad things to good people. Could it be that this is just another example of a good girl making a bad choice to begin with?"

Confusing Apology originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, March 19th, 2010 at 07:25:29.

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You Need More Than Small Talk

2010-03-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

When the two of you talk, what do you talk about? Are your conversations always about your kids, the house, or your jobs? From a practical perspective, you do need to talk about your kids and day-to-day issues and to have "Happy Talk", but you need more in your discussions with each other.

Roni Caryn Rabin of the New York Times reports that a small study from the University of Arizona discovered that substantive conversations about the meaning of life and the state of the world could make you happier.

Dr. Matthias Mehl: "By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world," Dr. Mehl said. "And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness ... Can we make people happier by asking them, for the next five days, to have one extra substantive conversation every day?"
Source: Roni Caryn Rabin. "Talk Deeply, Be Happy?" NYTimes.com. 3/17/2010.

You Need More Than Small Talk originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 18th, 2010 at 01:08:28.

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'It' Doesn't Just Happen

2010-03-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

A lifetime prescription for sizzling sex

Getting Serious About Sin

2010-03-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

No misdeed went unpunished in Calvin's Geneva.

When Your Loved One Doesn't Come to Christ

2010-03-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

What do we do when we think God isn't "playing by the rules"?

A Work in Progress

2010-03-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was finally able to get my husband to finish a project, but I wasn't as pleased as I thought I'd be.

Lucky in Love and Marriage

2010-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day makes us think of the color green, four-leaf clovers, and being lucky.

If you truly want to be lucky in love and marriage, you need to create that luck yourselves. Two ways you can create a positive and lucky marriage are:

Handle conflict in healthy ways.
Have regular date nights with each other.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Photo © Larry Stritof

Lucky in Love and Marriage originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 17th, 2010 at 01:39:58.

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We're Looking for Great Marriage Blogs

2010-03-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

When husbands and wives write marriage blogs, they generally offer advice and marriage tips or they share their own personal experiences. Do you write a blog about your experience as a husband or wife? If so, please share why you started, how you've done it, and what you've learned.

We're also interested in the focus of your blog. Is it personal or newsy? Do you write primarily about a particular marriage issue such as infidelity or do you write about marriage in general? Describe your marriage blog!

We're Looking for Great Marriage Blogs originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, March 15th, 2010 at 01:39:35.

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What Others are Writing About Mutual Respect, Forced Marriages, and Saying I Love you

2010-03-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

These three comments about marriage caught my attention today while I was catching up on my reading. We certainly agree with the importance of mutual respect in a marriage and saying 'I love you' to your spouse on a regular basis. We sure hope Yemen does change their laws on marriage. Your thoughts?

Marcia Reynolds about Sandra and Jesse's Marriage: "... he is a strong, successful, independent man who is okay being with a strong, successful, independent woman. There is emotional stability in this relationship based on mutual respect. Shouldn't this be the new model of a healthy relationship?"
Source: Marcia Reynolds. "Sandra Bullock and Jesse james: A Model of the New Relationship." HuffingtonPost.com. 3/11/2010.
Erica Kennedy about the importance of saying 'I love you': "... her [Jean] only real regret in life was that she felt she hadn't told her husband [late husband of 63 years] she loved him enough ..."
Source: Erica Kennedy. "FEM ode: When Erica Met Jean ..." TheFeministaFiles.blogspot.com. 3/11/2010.

Heather Murdock on marital rape and child brides: "Marital rape is not a crime in Yemen, and currently there is no law that says a 10-year-old cannot be a wife. But in the coming weeks, the Yemeni parliament is set to vote on a new law that could set a minimum age for marriage at 17 years old. This law has been floating around the legislature for over a year now, and won a majority of votes in an earlier vote, but was later blocked by influential conservative sheiks."
Source: Heather Murdock. "Yemen Marriage Laws Under Scrutiny." VOANews.com. 3/11/2010.

What Others are Writing About Mutual Respect, Forced Marriages, and Saying I Love you originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 13th, 2010 at 04:04:22.

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What's On Our Reading List

2010-03-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

A few months ago we discovered Instapaper.com and installed the "Read Later" widget on our tool bar. It has advantages and disadvantages.

If I find myself wanting to read something on a web page, but know I should stay focused on what I'm researching or writing, I can hit that widget! A disadvantage is that we now have 771 web pages saved. Sigh. Here's ten pages on that list I hope to read this weekend:

Old Black and White Movies -- Yes, we have Netflix, but the movies listed on this page might give us some ideas of movies we haven't watched yet.

My Peter Pan Complex -- I read this reflection earlier today, but want to read it again and talk about it with Bob. I don't think I'm a Wendy.

6 Word Memoirs on Intimate Relationships -- Dr. Judith Rich challenges people to write a six word memoir based on their real life experience of intimate relationships. I don't think that's easy to do. When we asked for marriage advice in ten words, I've had to do a lot of editing. Some submissions I just couldn't cut to ten words.

The Marriage Ref: After the Call -- I admit I'm curious and wonder how some of these couples are living with the Ref's decision.

Are Sexless marriages More Common Than We Think? -- Sexless marriages are a hot topic on our Marriage Forum.

The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi: Seeing Beauty in the Everyday -- We live in an absolutely beautiful area and think I do notice the beauty around me, but I have been intrigued by the less is more thinking for many years.

Need to save cash? Try some household economies from a time of war -- I love articles about history and this blog has ideas from 1914. Looks like fascinating reading.

You Can Actually Chirp as an Empty Nester -- We think the empty nest stage is a great time in a marriage. I'm always interested in how others perceive it.

9 Public Proposals Gone Painfully Wrong -- Another video. We do warn folks about elaborate marriage proposals.

Women, Men & Money - and How It Can Muck Up True Love -- The book reviewed looks like an interesting one. After I read the review, I'll have to see if our library has the book.

If you read any of these web pages, let us know what you think of them.

What's On Our Reading List originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 at 04:42:16.

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Still Too Tired for Sex

2010-03-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

In 2001 and in 2004, we reported statistics about couples who are too tired for sex.

Apparently, sleep deprivation is still taking a toll on sexual intimacy in marriage. Roni Caryn Rabin of The New York Times reports that one in four Americans say they are too tired to have sex. The study was done by the National Sleep Foundation.

One of the questions asked in the 2010 Sleep in America Poll was "if their intimate or sexual relationship has been affected because they are too sleepy ... About one in five respondents (23% Whites, 20% Blacks/African-Americans, 20% Hispanics and 17% Asians) indicated that their relationships had been affected because they are too sleepy." pg. 34.

Both of you need to make getting enough sleep a priority. Brandon Peters, M.D. shares guidelines for getting a better night's sleep. Here are some more solutions if your marriage is running on empty.

Still Too Tired for Sex originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 03:21:14.

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Put Your Money Where Your Spouse Is

2010-03-05T14:00:00.000-08:00

Marriage may be your most profitable investment

How I Found God in Bed

2010-03-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

God deliberately taps into our marital experiences as he tries to convey the passion, the commitment, the deep longing, and unshakeable love he has for us.

So-called "New" Cohabitation Report

2010-03-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

One of the teasers on World News Tonight last night was "Cracking the code on marriage! How to keep it strong." The web site link to the WNT segment says "The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage?"

When the segment faded to the commercial break, we looked at one another and thought perhaps we missed something. We didn't hear the "secret" other than to choose the right spouse and show respect for one another. The segment was more about cohabitation than about secret formulas for successful marriages.

The actual report by the CDC confused us a bit. While the report "Marriage and Cohabitation in the United States" was recently issued by the CDC, it was based on data from the "Cycle 6 (2002) of the National Survey of Family Growth." This is a "new" study? Isn't 2002 around 8 years ago?

We suggest reading all the following articles. The different perspectives and takeaways on the same report is fascinating.

MSNBC: "Living Together Does Lead to Marriage: 2 in 3 who cohabit tie the knot within 5 years, CDC says."
"Most importantly though, the data show that those who live together have just as good a chance of staying married as those who do not live together first."

Reuters: "Marriages Last Longer Than Living Together?"
"About 75 percent of marriages between men and women 26 years old or older last at least 10 years, compared with only about half of teen marriages."

USA Today: "Report: Cohabiting Has Little Effect On Marriage Success."
"Sociologist Pamela Smock of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor considers the data definitive. "On the basis of these numbers, there is not a negative effect of cohabitation on marriages, plain and simple," she says. Paul Amato, a sociologist at Pennsylvania State University, says the new data suggest that "maybe the effect of premarital cohabitation is becoming less of a problem than it was in the past. If it becomes normative now, maybe it's not such a big deal."

The New York Times: "Study Finds Cohabiting Doesn't Make a Union Last."
"Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together ... Couples who marry after age 26 or have a baby eight months or more after marrying are also more likely to stay married for more than a decade."

Here are a few findings from earlier studies about living together.

The risk for divorce among cohabiting couples married at least seven years is the same as couples who didn't live together before marriage.
Cohabiting couples in France and Germany have a slightly lower risk of divorce.
If cohabitation is limited to couples who are engaged, there is no elevated risk of divorce.
Cohabiting couples in the U.S. who take premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce.

If you want a long and happy life together, choose the right spouse, show respect for one another, and get married for the right reasons. Love, communication, humor, and honesty are other qualities that help keep couples together.

What is your formula for a successful marriage?

So-called "New" Cohabitation Report originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 at 02:13:45.

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Silly Fights

2010-03-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

This evening we watched the sneak preview of the reality television show The Marriage Ref. The preview included a couple disagreeing about what to do with a stuffed dog and a couple not on the same page with having a stripper pole in their bedroom.

Believing that marriage is worth fighting for, The Marriage Ref looks at the domestic squabbles, marriage spats, quirky disputes, and bickering of married couples. The comedy show will not feature serious disagreements that could make or break a marriage or domestic violence issues.

We laughed as we watched the show and we will probably watch it again. We remembered an argument we had early in our marriage about aquariums. Bob had set up fish tanks in every room of our house -- including the kitchen, bathroom, and our bedroom. When one of the swordtails jumped into bed with us, I was not a happy camper.

What's the silliest thing the two of you fought about? Share your silly fight.

Silly Fights originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 07:37:12.

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Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms

2010-02-26T02:00:00.000-08:00

We're being sarcastic. We're not surprised. How can people act like this news is something folks didn't already know? Sure, this is more than catching your spouse's bad moods, but marriage experts like John Gottman have been saying for years that negativity hurts marriages.

"But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to one."
Source: John Gottman, Nan Silver. "What Makes Marriage Work?." PsychologyToday.com. Mar/Apr 1994.

Several news sites including MSNBC and Medical News Today, reported about an article at ScienceDaily.com, "Husbands' Hostile, Anti-Social Behaviors Increase Wives' Symptoms of Depression, Study Shows."

The study explains: "... anti-social behaviors, which are those that are self-centered, defiant or show a lack of constraint; and hostile behaviors that are angry, critical or rejecting ... For instance, being snippy or curt with a spouse, interrupting her, eye-rolling, sneers and yelling were considered hostile behaviors."

It is interesting that the "researchers found no significant relationship between wives' hostile behavior and husbands' depression, unless significant life events, such as a death in the family or a job loss, were present."

We haven't been able to locate the full study online to see why, other than Proulx's belief that women may be more vulnerable to hostility than men and that "It is possible that women's well-being is more closely tied to the well-being of their close relationships than is the case for men."

More Quotes From the Study:

Christine Proulx: "The more hostile and anti-social behavior exhibited by husbands, the more depressed their wives were after three years. These findings suggest that husbands' treatment of their wives significantly impacts their psychological well-being and that hostile behavior has a lasting effect on couples that continues throughout their marriages."

Christine Proulx: "It's critical that professionals ask people experiencing depression about their close relationships and recognize that their spouse's behavior influences how they feel about life and themselves, especially among women. It is important to intervene at the couple level and make spouses aware that how they act toward each other has a long-term effect on their emotional and physical well-being."

Info About the Study:

Authors and Title: Christine M. Proulx, Cheryl Buehler, Heather Helms. "Moderators of the Link between Marital Hostility and Change in Spouses' Depressive Symptoms." Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 23(4). 08/2009. pgs. 540-550.

Where: University of Missouri.

How: Videos of 416 married couples at home over a period of three years were coded for anti-social behaviors and hostile behaviors.

Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 00:35:28.

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When Money is a Problem

2010-02-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

Is money a problem in your marriage? If it is and if you are having more and more arguments about your finances, your marriage, along with your finances, is in trouble.

Some of the consequences of arguing about money could include:

Your financial situation worsens due to not being able to make financial decisions.
One spouse feels burdened by feeling all the responsibility for the family finances.
One spouse feels left out of the decision making process when it comes to decisions on how to spend or save money.
Important financial questions such as where important documents are kept, status of bill paying and savings accounts, and your budget may never be discussed.
The marriage could suffer from lies, snooping, broken promises, lack of trust, fear, anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed and even stealing from one another.

"Twenty percent of American women surveyed admitted to taking money from their significant other's wallet without their knowledge."
Source: "She Makes How Much More Than Me?!" CNBC.com. 1/28/2010.

Don't ignore red flags in your marriage. If you want to stop fighting about finances, the first thing you need to do is to get your heads out of the sand and admit there's a problem. Make sure you talk with each other about your monetary concerns and issues.

When Money is a Problem originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 07:56:53.

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The Love Connection

2010-02-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

It took a P.C. to bring my husband and me closer together.

The No-Kid Zone

2010-02-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

Our lives were so busy with our kids' activities that we were missing each otherâ"until we discovered a simple plan.

Placing Blame Again

2010-02-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

We're as tired as you probably are of marriage scandals. Yet we had to respond to a recent statement about placing blame when a spouse cheats. It is very disappointing to read the blame for having unfaithful husbands is once again placed on the cheaters' wives.

In the WomensHealthMag.com article, "Can a Tiger Rehab His Stripes?", Elise Nersesian quotes a marriage therapist who made us say "WHAT???"

Under the sectional callout "Significant others usually share in the blame" is this comment:

"Despite the shock and betrayal many women feel when they discover their partner is an addict (usually the way Elin found out: by going through her husband's text messages), [Maureen] Canning [licensed marriage and family therapist] says women play a significant role in the problem. "It's almost impossible to not know, on some level, that your man is cheating," she says. "Women often pick people who they subconsciously don't trust, knowing he has the capacity to cheat."

Nersesian's article also discusses what happens in sex rehabilitation programs and points out that 63% of women polled on WomensHealthMag.com view sex addiction as "an excuse for infidelity." We encourage you to read Cory Silverberg's article, "Is Sex Addiction Real?"

We hope this business of blaming the victim ends.

Placing Blame Again originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 22nd, 2010 at 00:24:16.

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Wrong Question

2010-02-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

Listening to news about Tiger Woods today, we heard one "teaser" that asked "How will he rebuild his career?" Isn't this the wrong question? Shouldn't the question be "How will he rebuild his marriage?"

According to the official Tiger Woods site, Tiger is not having a news conference on Friday.

He does plan "to discuss his past and his future, and he plans to apologize for his behavior. While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that's what he's going to discuss."

Hopefully, he already began the "process of making amends" with his wife Elin.

Wrong Question originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 02:08:23.

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Mission Impossible

2010-02-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

Staging a passionate rendezvous with my husband has become an adventure!

Marriage Builders

2010-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

Six great ways to strengthen your relationship during the parenting years.

Thanks a Lot, Jane Austen

2010-02-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

One trip to the movies had me wondering, Where's the love? the romance?

My Husband and Mrs. Quidd

2010-02-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

Can modern technology prevent my husband and me from choking each other in the front seat?

Eating Down the Fridge

2010-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

A year ago, Kim O'Donnel presented a challenge to her readers. She suggested folks take a break from food shopping and eat what they had stashed in their refrigerator, freezer, and pantry. This is something we've done for years during Advent and Lent and for a couple weeks before a vacation, but for some reason we don't plan our meals this way on a regular basis.

Talking about it this evening, we decided we should try the EDF challenge. It's just the two of us here and our new refrigerator is already busting at the seams.

In addition to achieving a more organized refrigerator and freezer, we won't fuss with one another over who left what too long in the fridge. I truly dislike discovering new living organisms (aka moldy food) in our refrigerator. We may also discover some new recipes using ingredients we already have sitting on the refrigerator door.

Have you ever tried "eating down the fridge?"

Eating Down the Fridge originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 04:36:46.

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Do You Have a Broken Heart?

2010-02-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

In mid-2009, we wrote about long-time married couples who die within days of one another. Here's the "real story" behind stress cardiomyopathy which is sometimes referred to as the Broken Heart syndrome.

We've received numerous emails from folks who are experiencing extreme pain after the loss of a loved one. If you know emotionally that you have a broken heart, don't ignore any physical symptoms related to your heart. This could be serious. Talk to your doctor about your symptons.

Do You Have a Broken Heart? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 22:22:37.

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A Busy Day for Divorce Lawyers

2010-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

Dan Couvrette, publisher and CEO of Divorce Magazine wrote, "A holiday like Valentine's Day underscores what's missing in these [troubled] marriages. It's not surprising that February 15 is one of the busiest days in a divorce lawyer's calendar."

Divorce attorneys agree that couples in troubled marriages need to identify the symptoms of divorce and seek help immediately.

Here are a few lawyers' tips from Wendy Jaffe’s book, The Divorce Lawyers’ Guide to Staying Married (Review): Read more...
A Busy Day for Divorce Lawyers originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 00:09:54.
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Looking for Free Marriage Advice?

2010-02-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for free marriage advice or want to divorce-proof your marriage, check out what Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher have to say on Twitter on Valentine's Day this year.

Although they say they have no secrets to their 85-year marriage success, I think it will be interesting to hear what they have to say to marriage questions presented to them.

The Fishers are definitely in a select group. "Trent Alexander of the University of Minnesota's Population Center estimated there are about 1,000 couples across the United States that have been married 75 years or more."
Source: John Biemer. "With love, longevity, couples can reach 75th." Chicago Tribune. 5/26/2005. pg. 1.

Oh, just in case you wondered, the modern gifts for an 85th wedding anniversary are diamonds and sapphires!

Looking for Free Marriage Advice? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 03:15:54.

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Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment

2010-02-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

Many couples, including the two of us, like to celebrate and reaffirm their love and commitment for one another by renewing their marriage vows, either privately or publicly, and by saying "I do" again.

Whether you renew your vows on your anniversary, on the anniversary of the day you met, or on a holiday like Valentine's Day, make sure you keep the event simple.

If you are considering having your marriage vows renewed, read our article to learn about the legalities of renewing your marriage vows, why people want to renew their marriage vows, what we recommend you do, and what we recommend you don't do. For example, we don't think you should make your renewal of vows look like a second wedding and we don't think you should ask for gifts!

Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, February 7th, 2010 at 02:01:04.

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Give the Best Valentine's Gift Ever!

2010-02-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

Are you still trying to decide what to give your spouse for Valentine's Day? The best gift you can give is a more sensitive, loving, dependable, considerate, intimate, kind, and positive you!

In other words, look at behaviors you have that are hurting your spouse and your marriage. Then decide to stop doing them. Change doesn't come easy for many of us. Replacing a bad habit or behavior with a positive behavior is easier than just stopping the bad habit. You can do this!

Bob has managed this past week to keep the house at a temperature that I can live with. It's been great to not have to go outside to cool down! I agreed to having the electric blanket back on our bed so he isn't cold at night. We didn't bother to hook up my side of the blanket to the controls ...

Give the Best Valentine's Gift Ever! originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 at 02:33:16.

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Researchers Discover the Key to Happier Marriages and Lower Divorce Rates

2010-02-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

According to an article in The New York Times, research is showing that marriages are happier and divorce rates are lower in marriages where the husbands are taking on more housework and the wives are working outside the home.

"And the blurring of traditional gender roles appears to have a positive effect. Lynn Prince Cooke, a sociology professor at the University of Kent in England, has found that American couples who share employment and housework responsibilities are less likely to divorce compared with couples where the man is the sole breadwinner."

We think this increase in marital stability should be considered good news. However, it doesn't appear to be positive news for those who continue to claim that a woman's place is in the home, or for women who have difficulty giving up their gatekeeping role at home, or for men who have an expectation that they should be the only one bringing home the bacon.

There are probably a lot of different reasons why the changing roles in marriage are helping to lower the divorce rates. Fewer financial problems and better communication were two factors that made our marriage stronger when Bob was a stay-at-home dad.

Tara Parker-Pope noted "The rate peaked at 23 divorces per 1,000 couples in the late 1970s, but has since dropped to fewer than 17 divorces per 1,000 couples. Today, the statistics show that typically, the more economic independence and education a woman gains, the more likely she is to stay married. And in states where fewer wives have paid jobs, divorce rates tend to be higher, according to a 2009 report from the Center for American Progress."

Since financial pressures are one of the main causes of divorce, the decisions you two make regarding employment scenarios needs to be based on what makes sense for both of you. Realize too, that through the years, circumstances will probably change and your decisions will need to be reevaluated.

Researchers Discover the Key to Happier Marriages and Lower Divorce Rates originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010 at 00:38:32.

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Talk to God Together

2010-02-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

Why praying with your spouse can boost your marriage and your faith

My Gift

2010-02-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I wanted to give her something meaningful to let her know I'd always love her. But what could I give?

Does It Make Any Difference?

2010-02-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

Andrea Thompson, in an article for LiveScience on "What type of Cheating is Worst?", reported that "Men tend to be more bothered by sexual infidelity, while most women are bothered more by emotional infidelity ... The problem with the prevailing idea was that while men were more likely than women to rate sexual infidelity as worse than the emotional kind in studies, there was still a small subset of men who put emotional infidelity at the top of the list, said Kenneth Levy, a psychologist at Penn State."

I don't see where it makes any difference. For many individuals, cheating is cheating. If your spouse cheated you probably want to know why your spouse cheated and if your marriage will survive.

When a person makes the selfish decision to be unfaithful, I don't think much thought is given as to which kind of affair will most bother his/her spouse.

Does It Make Any Difference? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 02:53:39.

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Even If It's Really Cold ...

2010-01-30T02:00:00.000-08:00

Take a walk together in the moonlight tonight to view the year's biggest full moon. National Geographic calls this a wolf moon that will "appear 30 percent brighter and 14 percent larger than any other full moon this year." It is also referred to as a cold moon.

We are firm believers in date nights for married couples and WalletPop.com encourages couples to think of this full moon as an opportunity to have a "cheap date night."

Even If It's Really Cold ... originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, January 30th, 2010 at 00:23:08.

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Unplanned Getaway

2010-01-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, after lunch, we decided we needed a break, so we took a drive. Our original intent was to take a short drive, but after meandering through some small towns, we found ourselves 100 miles away from home. We found a nice restaurant, had dinner, and drove back home last night.

It may not sound like much fun, but we did enjoy ourselves. I thought of my maternal grandparents while we were out and about. They used to keep a packed overnight case in the trunk of their car for when their short drives ended up in a different state!

When you have children still at home and work full time jobs, having an unplanned getaway isn't all that easy but it is important that you make time for one another.

Share your tips for solving the too little time issue that impacts so many marriages.

Unplanned Getaway originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, January 29th, 2010 at 07:29:20.

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Finding Mr. Wong

2010-01-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

The wedding trailer says, "All she wanted was to find Mr. Right. Instead she found, Mr. Wong."

We loved the story of how they found a green building to use as a green screen. Erin and Jeff put a lot of thought and creativity and fun into the making of this video. We hope they continue to find ways to be thoughtful, creative, and full of fun in the "new era" of their "epic journey."

As you get closer to your own wedding, make sure you are marrying the right person for the right reasons and ask one another right questions. You also need to have fun!

Finding Mr. Wong originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 04:57:30.

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Adventures in Romance

2010-01-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

My attempts to spice up my marriage kept going awry.

For Richer or Poorer

2010-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

We were under a mountain of debt. And we had to choose whether we'd work together or blame each other.

Do You Want to Have the White House Send Someone an Anniversary Greeting?

2010-01-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

If you know a couple who is celebrating 50 years or more of marriage, or who has just been married, you can have an anniversary greeting or wedding congratulations sent to them from the White House.

But there are some hoops to jump through when you request the anniversary greeting. Here's the information you need so that the White House greetings you want delivered can arrive on time.

Do You Want to Have the White House Send Someone an Anniversary Greeting? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 02:21:46.

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Sharing the Joy of an Interfaith Marriage

2010-01-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

We were surprised at the negative reader comments written in response to Nisa Muhammad's article, "Commentary: Marriage and Religious Differences." Nisa was sharing about the joy an interfaith couple found in their marriage relationship and tips on how they deal with their religious differences.

Why is there hostility when someone shares the positive aspects of interfaith marriages?

The stumbling blocks that interfaith marriages may face do present challenges but they are not overwhelming challenges. Hopefully, interfaith couples can decide together on coping strategies to respectfully deal with the sensitive religious issues in their relationship. We agree with Nisa that it's not differences that create divorces, but couples' inability to cope with conflict.

Sharing the Joy of an Interfaith Marriage originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, January 22nd, 2010 at 00:34:44.

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In This Thing Together

2010-01-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes patience comes only though compassion

Real Sex

2010-01-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

Bedroom C.E.O., Rapid Response and Zero Interest

Make Flirting a Priority in Your Marriage

2010-01-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

This past weekend our three grandchildren were here for a visit. When our five-year-old granddaughter noticed Bob patting me on my rear, I told her grandpa was just flirting with me. She smiled and said that was okay.

Flirting with your spouse is okay and it is natural and it is fun. Flirting with your spouse was in the news recently when Heidi Klum said she didn't flirt -- but she was talking about flirting with other people. It is apparent from other things that Heidi and Seal have said about their marriage that they do believe in keeping their marriage playful.

Heidi: "I don't flirt. Even if you don't actually touch someone or do anything to them, it's disrespectful to your husband. I would never do that. I'm very devoted, and he's the same."
Source: Heidi Klum: Flirting Would be Disrespectful To My Husband." HuffingtonPost.com. 1/14/2010.

What are your thoughts about flirting? Do you still flirt with your spouse? How do you flirt? Do you get upset if your spouse flirts with someone else?

Make Flirting a Priority in Your Marriage originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, January 20th, 2010 at 07:14:25.

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When Your Husband Struggles with Depression

2010-01-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

Take heartâ"there's hope for him and you.

The Other Woman

2010-01-20T02:00:00.000-08:00

How to live in harmony with your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law

Timing Is Everything

2010-01-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

How to make the most of your time together

Sandwich Generation

2010-01-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

How to be a parental caregiver and still keep your marriage strong.

Marriage is a Good Financial Choice for Men

2010-01-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

Glancing through news headlines about marriage this morning, the research of a new study by the Pew Research Center is getting a lot of attention. The researchers found that men benefit more financially from being married than women.

"Historically, marriage was the surest route to financial security for women. Nowadays it's men who are increasingly getting the biggest economic boost from tying the knot, according to a new analysis of census data."
Source: David Crary. "Report: More Men Get Economic Boost From Marriage." ABCNews.go.com. 1/19/2010.
"If you think women still reap more economic benefit than men do from marriage, you may be living in the past. Today, men are better off economically because their wives are, too ..."
Source: Sharon Jayson. "In today's economics of marriage, it's a man's world." USAToday.com. 1/19/2010.

"Men now are increasingly likely to marry wives with more education and income than they have, and the reverse is true for women," said Paul Fucito, spokesman for the Pew Center. "In recent decades, with the rise of well-paid working wives, the economic gains of marriage have been a greater benefit for men."
Source: Sam Roberts. "More Men Marrying Better Educated, Richer Wives." NYTimes.com. 1/18/2010.

"Yet she [Stephanie Coontz] said the trends also reflected the fact that many husbands no longer feel compelled to be their families' sole breadwinner and are embracing a bigger share of household responsibilities and child-raising."
Source: David Crary. "Report: More Men Get Economic Boost From Marriage." ABCNews.go.com. 1/19/2010.

"We've known for some time that men need marriage more than women from the standpoint of physical and mental well-being," said Stephanie Coontz, a professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., and research director for the Council on Contemporary Families, a research and advocacy group. "Now it is becoming increasingly important to their economic well-being as well."
Source: Sam Roberts. "More Men Marrying Better Educated, Richer Wives." NYTimes.com. 1/18/2010.

"In a trend that researchers call "the rise of wives," women are increasingly better-educated than their husbands and have emerged as the dominant income-provider in one of five marriages, according to a new report released today."
Source: Donna St. George. "More wives are the higher-income spouse, Pew report says." WashingtonPost.com. 1/19/2010.

"What's radically changed is that marriage now is a better deal for men," said Richard Fry, co-author of the report ..."
Source: Donna St. George. "More wives are the higher-income spouse, Pew report says." WashingtonPost.com. 1/19/2010.

The top three marriage problems we see mentioned in emails and on the Marriage Forum include finances, sex, and chores. These three issues can be made more difficult to deal with when gender role reversal situations are not discussed in a marriage.

Marriage is a Good Financial Choice for Men originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 06:54:28.

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Top Three Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life in Your Marriage

2010-01-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

Although modern medicine and drug companies continually look for solutions for sexual problems, if you are looking for quick fixes to improve your marital sex life, exercise could help.

Reading Forbes.com's article, How to Spice Up Your Sex Life, we were surprised at how many methods have not been proved, have not been approved, or that are actually harmful.

According to Forbes.com, "... nearly one in five men in the U.S. suffer from erectile dysfunction, according to a recent study in the American Journal of Medicine. Some researchers have estimated that as many as 40% of U.S. women have low libido or inability to reach orgasm."

If your sexual intimacy in your marriage is lacking, don't ignore the situation. Talk about it with your spouse. It appears that three readily available ways to spice up your sex life are:

Get regular exercise. One way you can get exercise and to improve your communication with one another is to walk together.
See your physician. If your spouse doesn't want to see a doctor, here's what to do and what not to do.
Make an appointment to get counseling from a sex therapist.

Not dealing with sexual issues in your marriage will only make them worse. Don't avoid talking with each other about your feelings and concerns.

Top Three Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life in Your Marriage originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, January 15th, 2010 at 00:10:05.

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Valentine's Day Is Getting Closer!

2010-01-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

If you haven't already, now is the time to start thinking about Valentine's Day. You don't have to spend a fortune on a gift, but unless the two of you have discussed letting Valentine's Day pass by without celebrating it, you shouldn't forget Valentine's Day!

We recommend that you not give a token gift, but give your spouse a gift truly from your heart.

Poll:
How do you and your spouse celebrate Valentine's Day? Vote!

Valentine's Day Is Getting Closer! originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, January 12th, 2010 at 00:36:45.

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Lack of Sleep = Lack of Sex

2010-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Back in 2001, a survey found that many couples said they were too tired for sex. A more recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that adults in the U.S. are not getting enough sleep. We keep reading articles such as Arianna Huffington's 2010 Sleep Challenge about people, especially women, being sleep deprived.

What can you do if you are too tired to have sex? Solutions include: Read more...

Lack of Sleep = Lack of Sex originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, January 11th, 2010 at 03:05:39.

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Do You Have a Hurried Marriage?

2010-01-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

When our children were younger, we read David Elkind's The Hurried Child (compare prices) and became concerned our kids didn't have enough free time to be able to dream, to play, to look at clouds, to gaze at stars, and to generally enjoy quiet time in their lives.

Then we wondered the same thing about our own marriage. Did we have a hurried marriage without time to dream dreams together, to go on dates with one another, to look at clouds together, to gaze at stars together, and to generally enjoy quiet time with each other?

As a result, we limited our children's after-school activities and reevaluated our own involvement in church and community organizations.

It is affirming to see that our concerns then are still valid today.

"According to the AAP, “Whereas play protects children's emotional development, a loss of free time in combination with a hurried lifestyle can be a source of stress, anxiety and may even contribute to depression for many children.

“The report reaffirms that the most valuable and useful character traits that will prepare children for success come not from extracurricular or academic commitments, but from a firm grounding in parental love, role modeling and guidance.”
Source: Elizabeth Scott, M.S. "Play Time for Healthy Child Development."

Volunteerism can hurt your marriage. If you and your spouse are finding yourselves with no time for your relationship or your kids, perhaps you are having a problem saying NO.

Decide if you are spending too much time as volunteers and read our tips for saying NO.

Polls:
Do you think volunteerism is hurting your marriage? Vote!
Do you have a time starved marriage? Vote!

Do You Have a Hurried Marriage? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, January 8th, 2010 at 10:05:06.

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She Makes His Dreams Come True

2010-01-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

We generally dislike public or elaborate marriage proposals. There are just too many things that can go wrong.

But Ricardo Carrillo's submission to our "How Did You Propose to Your Spouse? query made us smile. Ricky's (500) Days of Summer proposal was successful and met these four proposal requirements: Read more...

She Makes His Dreams Come True originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 01:37:58.

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Improve Your Marriage NOW

2010-01-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of the things Bob and I talked about today is how easy it is to let unhealthy behaviors creep into a marriage. With the cold weather, we haven't been walking as much as we usually do. Since we work together, our walks are quality time for us -- no television, no unfinished projects staring at us, no distractions other than the beauty of the beach and ocean.

Here is a list of red flags that could hurt your marriage. Read more...

Improve Your Marriage NOW originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, January 3rd, 2010 at 00:31:40.

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Enhance Your Marriage in 2010

2010-01-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

Now that 2010 is here, are you wondering how you can enhance your marriage in the new year?

A starting point is to talk with each other about these lists of things husbands and wives want from marriage.

Here are a few more things you can do to strengthen your marriage.

Cuddle, snuggle, hold hands, hug, and kiss your spouse.
Walk together -- both physically and emotionally.
Eat at least one meal a day together.
Talk with one another during dinner.
Commit to having date nights.
One of the keys to great sex is communication. If you are having sexual problems, discuss them.
Share your feelings with your spouse.
Leave love notes and special messages somewhere to be found by your spouse.
Continue to build intimacy in your marriage.
Put your spouse first on your priority list.

Happy New Year's!

Enhance Your Marriage in 2010 originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, January 1st, 2010 at 16:25:04.

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Toss Out Bad Memories?

2009-12-29T02:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was "Good Riddance Day" in Times Square in New York City. Sponsored by the Time Square Alliance and Countdown Entertainment, participants were encouraged "to say goodbye, once and for all, to those bad memories of 2009" by discarding "any distasteful, embarrassing and downright depressing memories from 2009 ... A dumpster will be available for those un-shreddable items, and a sledgehammer will be on-hand to pulverize all those bad memories away." You can also share your bad memories online.

We wonder how many of the "Good Riddance Day" bad memories had to do with marriages. While it is an interesting idea, it is truly just symbolic. Bad memories can't just be tossed out or smashed to bits. Letting go of bad memories and past hurts requires forgiveness.

The positive side of "Good Riddance Day" is that people are taking the first step to letting go of bad memories and that is acknowledging them.

Toss Out Bad Memories? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, December 29th, 2009 at 00:38:32.

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Fathers and Sons and Being a Jerk

2009-12-28T05:00:00.000-08:00

The troubled marriage of Tiger and Elin Woods continues to make headlines as reporters try to figure out why successful men like Tiger place marriage and family life in jeopardy. A sense of entitlement? Validation of manhood? Opportunity? Belief he can get away with it? Sex addiction?

Or maybe the reason some husbands cheat on their wives is what these men learned from their fathers.

Earl Woods: "I've told Tiger that marriage is unnecessary in a mobile society like ours."
Source: Karen Crouse. "Moony Eyes, Lilting Voice, Then a Stunner From Woods." NYTimes.com. 12/26/2009.
"... though I have never been an elite athlete, I work in the culture of the elite athlete, where infidelity isn't merely condoned, it's strongly encouraged ... saying the greatest golfer on the planet got married too young is a cheap cop-out that misses an essential point: that this is really about a man who has everything and nothing at the same time, a guy medicating with women to fill emotional gaps ... That hearing words such as "dog" or terms such as "commitment issues" only serves to mask real issues. We use them so people such as Tiger Woods never take the time to Google "Attachment Disorder" or "Love Addiction" or look at how their old man treated their mom and what kind of message that sent to a gifted child who would grow up to respect a game more than his wife."
Source: Mike Wise. "Tiger Woods Does Not Stand Alone." WashingtonPost.com. 12/26/2009.

Fathers and Sons and Being a Jerk originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, December 28th, 2009 at 02:32:12.

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Surprise Your Spouse!

2009-12-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Do you want to impress your spouse? Then move out of your comfort zone when you plan a surprise for your spouse.

A surprise can backfire on you if you don't take care of all the planning details or make sure that what you are surprising your spouse with is something your mate really wants. When giving a gift, don't make the mistake Bob made on our first Christmas together. He gave me a sewing machine even though he knew I didn't like to sew.

The whole idea of a wonderful, pleasant surprise is to do or give something unexpectedly. If you've never given gifts on the Twelve Days of Christmas, that would be a fun surprise after Christmas.

Surprise Your Spouse! originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009 at 05:15:47.

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Don't Jump to Conclusions

2009-12-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Do you jump to conclusions when your spouse is talking with you? Are you more involved with watching the television or playing a computer game than really listening and maintaining eye contact during a conversation with your mate?

If so, these suggestions on how to improve your communication skills may help the two of you connect with one another.

Don't Jump to Conclusions originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, December 21st, 2009 at 00:41:31.

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Happy Moments That Can Create Tears

2009-12-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the night we decided to decorate the Christmas trees -- the main tree in our living room and a tiny tree in our bedroom. Bob was a bit bewildered as I started sniffling and getting teary-eyed as I pulled ornaments out of the boxes.

Two things hit me as we decorated the tree this evening. One was that I missed our kids. We always decorated our Christmas tree with our kids and so many of the ornaments reflect happy memories with our children. We've been a well adjusted empty nest couple for ten years, but there are moments that I miss them a lot. Tonight was one of those moments.

The other reason I got teary-eyed was my awareness of how many of the Bride's Tree ornaments we've collected through the years. I especially like a little bird feeder ornament and a tiny bell ornament. Both make me smile when I see them even if I am a bit teary-eyed at the same time!

Do you have any ornaments or holiday traditions that are special to you?

Happy Moments That Can Create Tears originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, December 19th, 2009 at 01:19:35.

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The Christmas Cold War

2009-12-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

He liked lists; I liked surprises. Could we learn a new way to give?

Safe at Home for Christmas

2009-12-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

What baseball, of all things, taught us about the importance of family time during the holidays.

He Knew How to Love Her

2009-12-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

While we were researching the 66-year marriage of Evelyn and Oral Roberts, one quote said a lot about their long term marriage.

Evelyn: "There are two things he [Oral] can do and one of them is preach. And the other one is he knows how to love me. Thank the Lord he does because there are very few other things he knows how to do."
Source: David Edwin Harrell, Jr. Oral Roberts: an American Life. 1985. pg. 351.

Oral also mentioned things that Evelyn did that gives the impression that she knew how to love him, too. It appears that the couple had a sense of humor too.

Knowing how to love one another is so very vital in a marriage. Do you know how to love your spouse?

He Knew How to Love Her originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 at 19:50:37.

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No Matter What

2009-12-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Some couples place a very high value on unconditional love in their marriage. Are they being realistic?

Don't we all have a line that can't be crossed, something that we would consider a deal breaker in our marriage? For some, it may be physical abuse, for others it could be something like child porn or infidelity.

What about you? Do you believe in unconditional love in your marriage, no matter what? Is this something you and your spouse have talked about?

No Matter What originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 at 04:32:07.

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Indefinite Break?

2009-12-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods announced today he is taking an "indefinite break" to help save his marriage with Elin Nordegren.

Give me a break.

Really now. Do average people who cheated on their spouses have the luxury of taking an indefinite break from work to focus on "being a better husband, father, and person" and to give more attention to their marriage?

Actually, do cheaters even need to be with their spouses 24/7 for an indefinite period of time to save their marriages? Do their spouses want them around 24/7 during the healing process? Probably not. There's a lot to be said for having some time alone now and then.

We hope he is sincere about doing what he has to do to save his marriage after the affairs, but if Tiger can't work on his marriage while fulfilling his other obligations, what does that say? Just considering the economic impact on the golf industry of his hiding away for awhile, isn't Tiger Woods' decision to take this break from golf just another sign of his selfishness?

Indefinite Break? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, December 12th, 2009 at 02:07:39.

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What We Read Today

2009-12-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

As we read articles on the Internet, some touch our hearts, some tick us off, some fascinate us, some give interesting information, some provide meaningful quotations, some affirm what we believe, some challenge us, and some teach us something new. One of these articles ticked us off. Can you guess which one? Read more...

What We Read Today originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, December 10th, 2009 at 23:50:04.

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The Attic Fiasco

2009-12-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

When you're lugging down Christmas decorations, stay on the rafters. Trust me on this one

Say You're Sorry!

2009-12-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

An apology is still a great place to start, but it may not be enough when your spouse is really ticked off.

Computer Protocols -- Yours, Mine, Ours?

2009-12-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

There's an interesting discussion on our Marriage Forum, "She Snooped", that questions the pros and cons of privacy on cell phones and computers versus total transparency.

How do you handle computer and internet use in your marriage? Do you have a list of rules about your passwords, usernames, email accounts, Facebook, Twitter, etc? Please share your story about how you and your spouse handle this issue.

Computer Protocols -- Yours, Mine, Ours? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 04:43:42.

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Reflect. Rejoice. Renew.

2009-12-04T02:00:00.000-08:00

The Christmas theme for the White House is "Reflect, Rejoice and Renew."

When we first read the press release from the White House, we thought that's a theme that could be good for married couples, too. Look at your schedule this month and save three blocks of time just for the two of you.

Reflect on your life together. You could start a journal that you use each year for this reflection which you write together or you could write love letters to each other.

Rejoice in your love for one another. Spend the time doing something you both enjoy doing that you haven't had the time to do lately. Remember to keep this celebration simple.

Renew your commitment to each other and make plans together for next year. We're not talking New Year's resolutions but making a few goals for next year. It could also be a good time to have your annual financial talk.

Reflect. Rejoice. Renew. originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, December 4th, 2009 at 00:41:24.

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Friends & Lovers

2009-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

How we broke out of our rut and rejuvenated our marriage.

Downscaling Christmas

2009-12-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

If you're addicted to a holiday high that ends with you in the dumps, try these ideas.