Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A Surprise About a Wedding Blessing
An email we received yesterday about the popular Apache Wedding Blessing took us by surprise. That page was one of the first pages on our web site back in 1997.
In 2007, Rebecca Mead revealed in her expose of the wedding industry, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, that the blessing was actually written by screenwriter Albert Maltz for the 1950 movie Broken Arrow. Thanks Jennifer for the FYI!
A Surprise About a Wedding Blessing originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, March 28th, 2010 at 00:03:13.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Blame Game Continues
Last week I read this reprehensible quote by a guy about the Bullock-James infidelity situation: "They [wives] shouldn't have allowed their men to be tempted!" It's been bothering me ever since I first read it.
What's a woman supposed to do so he won't be tempted? Put a sack over his head or put him on a leash? Never let him out of her sight? Make sure he never watches television or goes to the movies or turns on a computer or walks down a sidewalk where there are other women in view? How about his thoughts? Should she find a way to control his thoughts, too?
The fact that a guy would say something like this shouldn't shock me, but it does. It infuriates me that some men feel very justified putting the blame on the wife for her husband's cheating ways.
What unfaithful men need to do is accept responsibility for their decision to cheat. They had a choice. The responsibility for the affair is on their shoulders alone.
The Blame Game Continues originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 27th, 2010 at 02:34:24.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Is This As Unusual As It Seems?
Do you remember the locker room sex scene from Porky's where Kim Cattrall's character howls rather loudly? Steve and Caroline Cartwright have a similar problem. Caroline is a noisy love-maker and her neighbors don't like the Cartwrights' loud sex sessions.
Even though the couple moved their bed into the dining room after receiving an ASBO, their neighbors still complained of being disturbed by Caroline's whines, moans, and wails. The Telegraph reports Caroline was arrested and "thrown back into a bail hostel to keep her and husband Steve apart while the courts decide what to do next."
Since this is creating stress in their marriage, what solutions would you suggest to the Cartwrights?
Is This As Unusual As It Seems? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 25th, 2010 at 14:59:13.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Cheesy Tot Thing
I awoke this morning at 7 am -- hard to believe for a night owl like me. I woke up craving a pastry for breakfast. So I went to our local store and the deli had cheesy tots! Cheesy tots!
I love cheesy tots even though they get a D+ nutrition grade. The only place I knew that sold cheesy tots was Burger King and when we stopped at one a couple weeks ago about 90 miles away, they had removed cheesy tots from their menu.
I filed a complaint and went into mourning.
Then this morning I discovered cheesy tots just 2 miles from our house! Yeah!
So what does this have to do with marriage? First, Bob accepts my cheesy tot thing without doing the eye roll thing. Second, I did think of him in the midst of the cheesy tot euphoria and purchased a jelly roll for him. Third, we had a good laugh together over my morning escapade.
The only problem is the deli only makes the cheesy tots in the morning. And they sell out fast. So if I want cheesy tots, I have to get up early in the morning. That's not likely to happen very often.
The Cheesy Tot Thing originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 at 11:40:36.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Vacuum Cleaner Curse
This first day of spring and thinking about spring cleaning both in our marriage and in our home, reminds me of my vacuum cleaner curse. Yes, I wrote vacuum cleaner curse. When it comes to vacuum cleaners, I'm cursed.
I'm sure the invention of the vacuum cleaner helps millions of people every day. But not me. My vacuum cleaner curse goes back to my childhood.
When I was a kid my folks made me vacuum with a horrid super heavy canister vacuum that looked like a long tube. It took forever to get a room finished with that old thing. I hated that vacuum.
When Bob and I got married, the second thing we purchased as a married couple was a new vacuum cleaner. We got conned into buying this thing called a Compact vacuum cleaner. It looked like a turquoise pig. We were told they used the thing on airplanes. We paid a fortune for it -- 46 years ago, nearly $400 was a lot of money for an evil vacuum cleaner. The sucker didn't suck and the hose was easily plugged with little things. I kept a kitchen table knife in my pocket to drop down the hose to dislodge stuff. I hated that vacuum cleaner too. But because we paid so much for it, Bob absolutely refused to get another vacuum cleaner. It was an issue we could not talk about without both of us getting upset. I used that awful thing for nearly 30 years. I was finally set free when the pig vacuum died in the moving van fire. I grieved over the loss of 93% of everything we owned -- but not that [bleep] vacuum.
I researched what vacuums were best and we bought an upright one to replace the one I had been using that Bob found in a dumpster when we were really broke. I can't remember the brand of the new replacement, but it was a dud. I hated it too.
Luckily, I didn't have to live with it for very long. It died on its own. Bob accused me of killing it. I didn't. I think our daughter Judy did it in out of love for her mother.
Next comes a series of stupid, dumb, unfortunate choices in vacuum cleaners. All died untimely deaths.
Then I bought a Dyson. It had great reviews. Bob mumbled. It worked okay but I didn't like the heaviness of it or the way the pieces fit together. I spent so much money on the darn thing, I figured I was stuck with that vacuum cleaner until I died. Then the vacuum became a casualty of the kitchen fire. I don't miss it.
I have not purchased another vacuum cleaner. Now that we don't have carpet in our home, I'm okay with using a Swiffer or in extreme situations, Bob's huge, really big, ugly, professional construction vacuum. His vacuums are not cursed. Just mine.
My Vacuum Cleaner Curse originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 20th, 2010 at 22:37:54.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Confusing Apology
Am I the only one confused by the apology Jesse James made to his wife Sandra Bullock and his kids? First James says in a statement to PEOPLE, "The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded." Then he says "There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way."
So what is he apologizing for? Did he have an affair with tattoo model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee or not? What does he mean by poor judgment?
Jesse James did some things right in his apology.
- He did ask for forgiveness.
- He didn't put any responsibility for whatever he is apologizing for on Sandra.
- He didn't ramble and didn't try to be funny.
- He expressed sadness and regret but he didn't share what he did or what he believes he needs to do to make things right again.
Recently Jesse said that Sandra took his breath away. If that statement is true, why did he cheat on her? We agree with Cathy Meyer and hope that allegations against James are false. Cathy also wrote, "For Sandra Bullock's sake and the sake of the children she has grown to love as an extension of her love for James. One also has to wonder why bad people continue to do bad things to good people. Could it be that this is just another example of a good girl making a bad choice to begin with?"
Confusing Apology originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, March 19th, 2010 at 07:25:29.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
You Need More Than Small Talk
When the two of you talk, what do you talk about? Are your conversations always about your kids, the house, or your jobs? From a practical perspective, you do need to talk about your kids and day-to-day issues and to have "Happy Talk", but you need more in your discussions with each other.
Roni Caryn Rabin of the New York Times reports that a small study from the University of Arizona discovered that substantive conversations about the meaning of life and the state of the world could make you happier.
Dr. Matthias Mehl: "By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world," Dr. Mehl said. "And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness ... Can we make people happier by asking them, for the next five days, to have one extra substantive conversation every day?"
Source: Roni Caryn Rabin. "Talk Deeply, Be Happy?" NYTimes.com. 3/17/2010.
You Need More Than Small Talk originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 18th, 2010 at 01:08:28.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
When Your Loved One Doesn't Come to Christ
What do we do when we think God isn't "playing by the rules"? 
A Work in Progress
I was finally able to get my husband to finish a project, but I wasn't as pleased as I thought I'd be.
Lucky in Love and Marriage
St. Patrick's Day makes us think of the color green, four-leaf clovers, and being lucky.
If you truly want to be lucky in love and marriage, you need to create that luck yourselves. Two ways you can create a positive and lucky marriage are:
- Handle conflict in healthy ways.
- Have regular date nights with each other.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Photo © Larry Stritof
Lucky in Love and Marriage originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 17th, 2010 at 01:39:58.
Monday, March 15, 2010
We're Looking for Great Marriage Blogs
When husbands and wives write marriage blogs, they generally offer advice and marriage tips or they share their own personal experiences. Do you write a blog about your experience as a husband or wife? If so, please share why you started, how you've done it, and what you've learned.
We're also interested in the focus of your blog. Is it personal or newsy? Do you write primarily about a particular marriage issue such as infidelity or do you write about marriage in general? Describe your marriage blog!
We're Looking for Great Marriage Blogs originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, March 15th, 2010 at 01:39:35.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
What Others are Writing About Mutual Respect, Forced Marriages, and Saying I Love you
These three comments about marriage caught my attention today while I was catching up on my reading. We certainly agree with the importance of mutual respect in a marriage and saying 'I love you' to your spouse on a regular basis. We sure hope Yemen does change their laws on marriage. Your thoughts?
Marcia Reynolds about Sandra and Jesse's Marriage: "... he is a strong, successful, independent man who is okay being with a strong, successful, independent woman. There is emotional stability in this relationship based on mutual respect. Shouldn't this be the new model of a healthy relationship?"
Source: Marcia Reynolds. "Sandra Bullock and Jesse james: A Model of the New Relationship." HuffingtonPost.com. 3/11/2010.Erica Kennedy about the importance of saying 'I love you': "... her [Jean] only real regret in life was that she felt she hadn't told her husband [late husband of 63 years] she loved him enough ..."
Source: Erica Kennedy. "FEM ode: When Erica Met Jean ..." TheFeministaFiles.blogspot.com. 3/11/2010.Heather Murdock on marital rape and child brides: "Marital rape is not a crime in Yemen, and currently there is no law that says a 10-year-old cannot be a wife. But in the coming weeks, the Yemeni parliament is set to vote on a new law that could set a minimum age for marriage at 17 years old. This law has been floating around the legislature for over a year now, and won a majority of votes in an earlier vote, but was later blocked by influential conservative sheiks."
Source: Heather Murdock. "Yemen Marriage Laws Under Scrutiny." VOANews.com. 3/11/2010.
What Others are Writing About Mutual Respect, Forced Marriages, and Saying I Love you originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, March 13th, 2010 at 04:04:22.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
What's On Our Reading List
A few months ago we discovered Instapaper.com and installed the "Read Later" widget on our tool bar. It has advantages and disadvantages.
If I find myself wanting to read something on a web page, but know I should stay focused on what I'm researching or writing, I can hit that widget! A disadvantage is that we now have 771 web pages saved. Sigh. Here's ten pages on that list I hope to read this weekend:
- Old Black and White Movies -- Yes, we have Netflix, but the movies listed on this page might give us some ideas of movies we haven't watched yet.
- My Peter Pan Complex -- I read this reflection earlier today, but want to read it again and talk about it with Bob. I don't think I'm a Wendy.
- 6 Word Memoirs on Intimate Relationships -- Dr. Judith Rich challenges people to write a six word memoir based on their real life experience of intimate relationships. I don't think that's easy to do. When we asked for marriage advice in ten words, I've had to do a lot of editing. Some submissions I just couldn't cut to ten words.
- The Marriage Ref: After the Call -- I admit I'm curious and wonder how some of these couples are living with the Ref's decision.
- Are Sexless marriages More Common Than We Think? -- Sexless marriages are a hot topic on our Marriage Forum.
- The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi: Seeing Beauty in the Everyday -- We live in an absolutely beautiful area and think I do notice the beauty around me, but I have been intrigued by the less is more thinking for many years.
- Need to save cash? Try some household economies from a time of war -- I love articles about history and this blog has ideas from 1914. Looks like fascinating reading.
- You Can Actually Chirp as an Empty Nester -- We think the empty nest stage is a great time in a marriage. I'm always interested in how others perceive it.
- 9 Public Proposals Gone Painfully Wrong -- Another video. We do warn folks about elaborate marriage proposals.
- Women, Men & Money - and How It Can Muck Up True Love -- The book reviewed looks like an interesting one. After I read the review, I'll have to see if our library has the book.
If you read any of these web pages, let us know what you think of them.
What's On Our Reading List originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 at 04:42:16.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Still Too Tired for Sex
In 2001 and in 2004, we reported statistics about couples who are too tired for sex.
Apparently, sleep deprivation is still taking a toll on sexual intimacy in marriage. Roni Caryn Rabin of The New York Times reports that one in four Americans say they are too tired to have sex. The study was done by the National Sleep Foundation.
One of the questions asked in the 2010 Sleep in America Poll was "if their intimate or sexual relationship has been affected because they are too sleepy ... About one in five respondents (23% Whites, 20% Blacks/African-Americans, 20% Hispanics and 17% Asians) indicated that their relationships had been affected because they are too sleepy." pg. 34.
Both of you need to make getting enough sleep a priority. Brandon Peters, M.D. shares guidelines for getting a better night's sleep. Here are some more solutions if your marriage is running on empty.
Still Too Tired for Sex originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 03:21:14.
Friday, March 5, 2010
How I Found God in Bed
God deliberately taps into our marital experiences as he tries to convey the passion, the commitment, the deep longing, and unshakeable love he has for us.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
So-called "New" Cohabitation Report
One of the teasers on World News Tonight last night was "Cracking the code on marriage! How to keep it strong." The web site link to the WNT segment says "The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage?"
When the segment faded to the commercial break, we looked at one another and thought perhaps we missed something. We didn't hear the "secret" other than to choose the right spouse and show respect for one another. The segment was more about cohabitation than about secret formulas for successful marriages.
The actual report by the CDC confused us a bit. While the report "Marriage and Cohabitation in the United States" was recently issued by the CDC, it was based on data from the "Cycle 6 (2002) of the National Survey of Family Growth." This is a "new" study? Isn't 2002 around 8 years ago?
We suggest reading all the following articles. The different perspectives and takeaways on the same report is fascinating.
- MSNBC: "Living Together Does Lead to Marriage: 2 in 3 who cohabit tie the knot within 5 years, CDC says."
"Most importantly though, the data show that those who live together have just as good a chance of staying married as those who do not live together first."
- Reuters: "Marriages Last Longer Than Living Together?"
"About 75 percent of marriages between men and women 26 years old or older last at least 10 years, compared with only about half of teen marriages."
- USA Today: "Report: Cohabiting Has Little Effect On Marriage Success."
"Sociologist Pamela Smock of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor considers the data definitive. "On the basis of these numbers, there is not a negative effect of cohabitation on marriages, plain and simple," she says. Paul Amato, a sociologist at Pennsylvania State University, says the new data suggest that "maybe the effect of premarital cohabitation is becoming less of a problem than it was in the past. If it becomes normative now, maybe it's not such a big deal."
- The New York Times: "Study Finds Cohabiting Doesn't Make a Union Last."
"Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together ... Couples who marry after age 26 or have a baby eight months or more after marrying are also more likely to stay married for more than a decade."
Here are a few findings from earlier studies about living together.
- The risk for divorce among cohabiting couples married at least seven years is the same as couples who didn't live together before marriage.
- Cohabiting couples in France and Germany have a slightly lower risk of divorce.
- If cohabitation is limited to couples who are engaged, there is no elevated risk of divorce.
- Cohabiting couples in the U.S. who take premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce.
If you want a long and happy life together, choose the right spouse, show respect for one another, and get married for the right reasons. Love, communication, humor, and honesty are other qualities that help keep couples together.
What is your formula for a successful marriage?
So-called "New" Cohabitation Report originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 at 02:13:45.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Silly Fights
This evening we watched the sneak preview of the reality television show The Marriage Ref. The preview included a couple disagreeing about what to do with a stuffed dog and a couple not on the same page with having a stripper pole in their bedroom.
Believing that marriage is worth fighting for, The Marriage Ref looks at the domestic squabbles, marriage spats, quirky disputes, and bickering of married couples. The comedy show will not feature serious disagreements that could make or break a marriage or domestic violence issues.
We laughed as we watched the show and we will probably watch it again. We remembered an argument we had early in our marriage about aquariums. Bob had set up fish tanks in every room of our house -- including the kitchen, bathroom, and our bedroom. When one of the swordtails jumped into bed with us, I was not a happy camper.
What's the silliest thing the two of you fought about? Share your silly fight.
Silly Fights originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 07:37:12.
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