We Agree With The Title

When we watched the movie "When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story" that portrayed the apparent unconditional love of Lois Wilson for her husband Bill Wilson, our initial reaction was that we agree with the title that love is not enough..

"... during the course of their years together, Lois puts up with about 110% more garbage than a modern woman would today. Bill's drinking and recovery costs her everything, including the family home, but it's always clear that this couple is devoted to each other ... 'Love' is a pleasant, burnished look at two intertwined lives. A second layer to their relationship goes ignored -- nary a hint of Bill's real-life philandering emerges, for example -- but it's a biopic, not a miniseries, after all."
Source: Reuters. "Cheers! AA Founder's Wife Gets hallmark Treatment." NYTimes.com. 4/21/2010.

While the Hallmark commercials had me getting teary eyed, the movie didn't have an emotional impact on us. Perhaps it is because we researched Bill and Lois Wilson's marriage before seeing the movie, so there were no surprises.

We Agree With The Title originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, April 26th, 2010 at 06:02:09.

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Interesting Discoveries in America at Home

A rainy, chilly morning provided me with a reason to get comfy in my favorite chair with a few library books today. I decided to not read about marriage, but still discovered some interesting statistics and trivia about married couples.

When we asked readers if they would marry their spouse again, out of around 8000 votes 52% said no, 28% said yes, 17% said they didn't know, and 1% said they already did get remarried to their former spouse. The statistics quoted in America at Home are a bit different.

"80 percent of married men say they would marry the same woman if they took a time machine back to the day they got married. Only 50 percent of married woman would do the same."
Source: Rick Smolan, Jennifer Erwitt. America at Home: A Close-Up Look at How We Live. 2008. pg. 141.

When talking with married couples about date nights, we recommend getting out of the house. America at Home pictured an elderly couple who prove that isn't always necessary. They have the same date night every week -- at home.

"Aino and John Katsos, 86 and 90, ask their friends not to call them between 6 and 8 in the evening. That's when they listen to their extensive record collection, reminisce, or talk about the world. She was a teacher; he was a seaman. On Friday nights, they add dinner and candlelight to the mix."
Source: Rick Smolan, Jennifer Erwitt. America at Home: A Close-Up Look at How We Live. 2008. pg. 36.

The other books I read were about the lost dreams of families due to the erosion of beaches in the Pacific Northwest. They were informative, and the couples and families profiled were determined folks, but the pictures of crumbling homes and destroyed towns was depressing. I'm glad the last book I read during my escape this morning was America at Home. (Compare Prices)

Interesting Discoveries in America at Home originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 24th, 2010 at 04:11:12.

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Normal or Inevitable?

We hope you don't fall into the trap of thinking that it is normal or inevitable for your relationship to fade or decline or continually be in a rut through your years together. Yes, there are stages that your marriage may experience, but it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to be without passion.

If you feel "disappointed, defensive or critical towards your partner", Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., recommends using what he calls the "art of creative indifference" to revitalize your marriage. LaBier describes this approach as refraining from "engaging in those old ways."

"You can never make your partner change or be different. You can only change how you deal with, respond to, and conduct yourself towards him or her."
Source: Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. "A Declining Relationship? Recharge It Through 'Indifference.'" PsychologyToday.com 4/22/2010.

While we agree with LaBier about not being able to change your spouse and the importance of changing your own responses, we think his use of the term "creative indifference" may confuse folks. If you are in a difficult marriage that only you want to change, we recommend that you accept that you can't change your spouse, face the issues and realities in your marriage, make time to get to know yourself again, consider giving your marriage a spring cleaning, and find ways to respond differently when the two of you have the same arguments over and over.

Normal or Inevitable? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 06:25:03.

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Two Articles to Make You Feel Better

Two articles we read this morning can make you feel better about taking care of yourself and letting go of myths that can hurt your marriage. Barton Goldsmith says even 10 minutes of joy can make a big difference and Pepper Schwartz writes about ten "myths about relationship based issues and behaviors that some experts will tell you are abnormal ..."

We enjoyed reading Schwartz's list. Even though you have some long silences, let your mind wander during sex, feel annoyed by something your spouse does, and tell a lie now and then, you are normal.

We also enjoyed Barton Goldsmith's article on "10 Life-Enhancing Things You Can Do in Ten Minutes or Less." Goldsmith writes that "a few minutes of joy here and there can make a big difference in what you get out of life." We especially like his suggestion to go to bed 10 minutes earlier and then just hold on to your spouse.

Two Articles to Make You Feel Better originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 17th, 2010 at 17:58:44.

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Long-Lasting Pain

Several years ago when we wrote "Coping With the Death of a Child", we said "the pain is long-lasting." So we were not surprised that a University of Michigan study found marriages can be at risk for nearly a decade after a stillbirth and for two or three years after a miscarriage.

Researchers at the University of Michigan Health System did the first national study on the effect of pregnancy loss (miscarriage or stillbirth) on relationships.

"Over a 15-year period, couples who miscarried had a 22 percent higher risk of experiencing a break-up while couples who experienced a stillbirth had a 40 percent higher risk of their relationship ending. For a miscarriage, the risk persists up to three years after the loss. For stillbirths, it persists up to nine years after the loss, according to research data."

Katherine Gold, M.D., M.S.W., M.S.: "Miscarriage and stillbirth can be powerful and traumatic events for families. While many couples become closer after a loss, if a couple was struggling before the loss, this could be a huge stress for their relationship."
Source: Margarita Bauza. "Couples more likely to break up after pregnancy loss, U-M research finds." UMich.edu. 4/05/2010.

Please don't think that losing a baby means your marriage is doomed. That's not what we or the study is saying. While a loss may bring you closer, it can create additional stress in your marriage. If you think your marriage is in trouble, seek professional help. We don't think this is something you can work through on your own.

Long-Lasting Pain originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 16th, 2010 at 03:55:18.

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Larry King's Thoughts on Marriage in 1989

Back in 1989, while getting ready to marry Julie Alexander, Larry King mentioned in an interview in Good Housekeeping that he didn't think he was suited to marriage. In another interview he justified his many marriages by saying:

"We are shocked when people marry several times, but if society would admit it, the truth is that many couples who've been married 50 years probably met other people and were afraid to move on. So there may be some envy in our shock, too. There must be some people who get lucky at 20, but that would be the oddity."
Source: Larry King. "I do ... I do ..." USA Weekend. 9/29-10/1/1989. pg. 4.

Now that his marriage to Shawn Southwick has ended, we wonder if Larry King has plans to "move on" again. What a sad way to view marriage.

Larry King's Thoughts on Marriage in 1989 originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, April 15th, 2010 at 02:33:34.

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Keeping Love Alive

What to do when impotency impacts your marriage.

Torn Between Two LoversâPart 2

More lessons on living in an unequally yoked marriage

It's a Sign

Early this morning (when I should have been in bed) while working on an article about how important self care is to your marriage, our connection to the Internet died. It didn't flicker on and off. It was gone.

I took it as a sign that I needed to pay attention to what I was writing and I went to bed. I know I feel better and have more energy when I get enough sleep, do some exercise, eat healthy meals, and make time for myself. When I feel better, I'm a nicer and more interesting spouse, too.

Bottom line --and a recent study supports this -- if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not taking care of our marriages. Your personal well-being is important! Take care.

It's a Sign originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010 at 14:00:03.

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Responsibility for an Affair is NOT Shared

Jim Carrey is not on my most popular people list today.

After he tweeted "Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^)", Jim Carrey clarified his tweet regarding the affairs of Tiger Woods. I really think Carrey should have kept his thoughts to himself ... especially his clarification.

Carrey's clarification? "I want 2 make it CLEAR that I do not condone infidelity at all, but 2 some degree the responsibility 4 it is shared by both people."

Sigh. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that responsibility for an affair is NOT shared by both spouses.

"What unfaithful men need to do is accept responsibility for their decision to cheat. They had a choice. The responsibility for the affair is on their shoulders alone."
Source: "The Blame Game Continues."

Choice. Decision. A cheating spouse chose to have the affair. A cheating spouse made the decision to be unfaithful rather than deal honestly with marital issues. I'm so tired of the blame game.

Responsibility for an Affair is NOT Shared originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, April 11th, 2010 at 01:19:12.

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Date Night would Make a Good Date Night

We think it is great that the romantic comedy Date Night is putting date nights for married couples back in the news.

"To begin with, Carell and Fey look like they might be a pleasant married couple. Attractive, but not improbably so. Young, but not that young. Fit, but they don't reveal unexpected skills. And frightened when they need to be ...All of this is a way of saying that "Date Night" is funny because, against all odds, it is involving. Each crazy step in the bizarre plot made a certain sense because it followed from what went before ..."
Source: Roger Ebert. "Date Night." SunTimes.com. 4/07/2010.

If you haven't planned a date night for this weekend, consider going out to see Date Night. In real life, Steve Carell has been married to Nancy Walls since 1995 and has two children and Tina Fey has been married to Jeff Richmond since 2001 and has one child.

Date Night would Make a Good Date Night originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 9th, 2010 at 03:51:40.

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Feeling Let Down?

What to do with an imperfect spouse.

Torn Between Two LoversâPart 1

Lessons on living in an unequally yoked marriage

Mint Ice Cream? Pumpkin Pie? Cinnamon Buns?

One of the articles we read today was about keeping your sex life alive. Kristen Kemp's "Find Your Spark" surprised us by mentioning some aphrodisiacs not on our list!

The "minty smells and tastes stimulate blood flow to your pelvic region -- which is the first step toward full-blown arousal ... Men get aroused by the smells of cinnamon buns, vanilla, and pumpkin pie."

While we wonder how many folks will be adding mint ice cream and pumpkin pie to their shopping lists, we do like the opinion of Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., "One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs is your undivided attention."

Mint Ice Cream? Pumpkin Pie? Cinnamon Buns? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 at 01:22:18.

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Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: He means home to me

Since we are redecorating our 1930s home, I enjoy looking at pictures of homes of the 1930s and 1940s. Today I found an interesting quote by Abby Aldrich Rockefeller on a site about Bassett Hall from the Victoriana ...daily blog. Basset Hall in Williamsburg, Virginia was one of the residences of the Rockefellers in their later years.

Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: "I am happy and contented whereever your father happens to be. He means home to me. I really feel sorry for the unhappy people who cannot find companionship in their married lives. I do not believe that it is something that happens, I think it is something that is achieved."
Source: Mary Miley Theobald. "Our Little Colonial House." ColonialWilliamsburg.com. Autumn 2002.

Abby Rockefeller's comment reinforces the importance of friendship in your marriage and knowing what makes you happy.

Abby Aldrich Rockefeller: He means home to me originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, April 5th, 2010 at 04:23:20.

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Sex Addiction -- A Bogus Concept

Describing sex addiction as a bogus concept, certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist Marty Klein refuses to treat supposed "sex addicts." Klein is well known for his opposition to the concept of "sex addiction."

"I don't treat sex addiction. The concept is superficial. It isn't clearly defined or clinically validated, and it's completely pathology-oriented. It presents no healthy model of non-monogamy, pornography use, or stuff like S/M. Some programs eliminate masturbation, which is inhumane, naive, and crazy ... What I mostly see instead of "sex addicts" is people who are neurotic or narcissistic. They can't quite believe that the normal rules of life ("tell the truth," "all behavior has consequences") apply to them."
Source: Marty Klein, PhD. "An Epidemic of 'Sex Addiction'?" PsychologyToday.com. 4/02/2010.

"What I do know is that, after 30 years as a psychotherapist and sex therapist, I've never seen a sex addict. I've seen people who were obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar, depressed, anxious, or borderline. I've seen people who were selfish or unconsciously enraged; who lacked empathy, who hated their spouse, or who specifically didn't want a divorce but were withering from the lack of touching. And yes, I've seen men and women who were scathingly self-critical about their sexual choices, and kept right on making the same damn choices. But calling any of them "sex addicts" deprives them of a proper diagnosis and psychologically profound treatment. It focuses on the surface symptom-sexual behavior -- while ignoring possible deeper dynamics."
Source: Marty Klein, PhD. "Our Addiction to Tiger Woods' 'Sex Addiction.'" PsychologyToday.com. 2/20/2010.

Klein advises patients to tell the truth, share their concern and desire for change, accept their responsibility in causing pain, and express regret. We would add stop cheating to the list of what to do when caught cheating.

Sex Addiction -- A Bogus Concept originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010 at 02:26:14.

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Marriage Then and Now

Taking a look back to marriages of the 70s and then forward to the marriages of today, Lisa Belkin gives interesting statistics such as how many of us can't make gravy from scratch (two-thirds of us) and how couples are approaching parenting today.

"The young men and women coming into adulthood right now consistently tell researchers that they are determined to make their marriages into partnerships and to not default to traditional gender roles at the expense of equality. (And hopefully invest less of their own identities in their children.)"
Source: Lisa Belkin. "The Marrying Kind." NYTimes.com. 3/22/2010

Do you think your marriage is different from your parents' marriage? How do you define marriage?

Marriage Then and Now originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, April 2nd, 2010 at 02:25:20.

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