Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms

We're being sarcastic. We're not surprised. How can people act like this news is something folks didn't already know? Sure, this is more than catching your spouse's bad moods, but marriage experts like John Gottman have been saying for years that negativity hurts marriages.

"But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to one."
Source: John Gottman, Nan Silver. "What Makes Marriage Work?." PsychologyToday.com. Mar/Apr 1994.

Several news sites including MSNBC and Medical News Today, reported about an article at ScienceDaily.com, "Husbands' Hostile, Anti-Social Behaviors Increase Wives' Symptoms of Depression, Study Shows."

The study explains: "... anti-social behaviors, which are those that are self-centered, defiant or show a lack of constraint; and hostile behaviors that are angry, critical or rejecting ... For instance, being snippy or curt with a spouse, interrupting her, eye-rolling, sneers and yelling were considered hostile behaviors."

It is interesting that the "researchers found no significant relationship between wives' hostile behavior and husbands' depression, unless significant life events, such as a death in the family or a job loss, were present."

We haven't been able to locate the full study online to see why, other than Proulx's belief that women may be more vulnerable to hostility than men and that "It is possible that women's well-being is more closely tied to the well-being of their close relationships than is the case for men."

More Quotes From the Study:

Christine Proulx: "The more hostile and anti-social behavior exhibited by husbands, the more depressed their wives were after three years. These findings suggest that husbands' treatment of their wives significantly impacts their psychological well-being and that hostile behavior has a lasting effect on couples that continues throughout their marriages."

Christine Proulx: "It's critical that professionals ask people experiencing depression about their close relationships and recognize that their spouse's behavior influences how they feel about life and themselves, especially among women. It is important to intervene at the couple level and make spouses aware that how they act toward each other has a long-term effect on their emotional and physical well-being."

Info About the Study:

Authors and Title: Christine M. Proulx, Cheryl Buehler, Heather Helms. "Moderators of the Link between Marital Hostility and Change in Spouses' Depressive Symptoms." Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 23(4). 08/2009. pgs. 540-550.

Where: University of Missouri.

How: Videos of 416 married couples at home over a period of three years were coded for anti-social behaviors and hostile behaviors.

Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 00:35:28.

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When Money is a Problem

Is money a problem in your marriage? If it is and if you are having more and more arguments about your finances, your marriage, along with your finances, is in trouble.

Some of the consequences of arguing about money could include:

• Your financial situation worsens due to not being able to make financial decisions.
• One spouse feels burdened by feeling all the responsibility for the family finances.
• One spouse feels left out of the decision making process when it comes to decisions on how to spend or save money.
• Important financial questions such as where important documents are kept, status of bill paying and savings accounts, and your budget may never be discussed.
• The marriage could suffer from lies, snooping, broken promises, lack of trust, fear, anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed and even stealing from one another.

"Twenty percent of American women surveyed admitted to taking money from their significant other's wallet without their knowledge."
Source: "She Makes How Much More Than Me?!" CNBC.com. 1/28/2010.

Don't ignore red flags in your marriage. If you want to stop fighting about finances, the first thing you need to do is to get your heads out of the sand and admit there's a problem. Make sure you talk with each other about your monetary concerns and issues.

When Money is a Problem originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 07:56:53.

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The Love Connection

It took a P.C. to bring my husband and me closer together.

The No-Kid Zone

Our lives were so busy with our kids' activities that we were missing each otherâ€"until we discovered a simple plan.

Placing Blame Again

We're as tired as you probably are of marriage scandals. Yet we had to respond to a recent statement about placing blame when a spouse cheats. It is very disappointing to read the blame for having unfaithful husbands is once again placed on the cheaters' wives.

In the WomensHealthMag.com article, "Can a Tiger Rehab His Stripes?", Elise Nersesian quotes a marriage therapist who made us say "WHAT???"

Under the sectional callout "Significant others usually share in the blame" is this comment:

"Despite the shock and betrayal many women feel when they discover their partner is an addict (usually the way Elin found out: by going through her husband's text messages), [Maureen] Canning [licensed marriage and family therapist] says women play a significant role in the problem. "It's almost impossible to not know, on some level, that your man is cheating," she says. "Women often pick people who they subconsciously don't trust, knowing he has the capacity to cheat."

Nersesian's article also discusses what happens in sex rehabilitation programs and points out that 63% of women polled on WomensHealthMag.com view sex addiction as "an excuse for infidelity." We encourage you to read Cory Silverberg's article, "Is Sex Addiction Real?"

We hope this business of blaming the victim ends.

Placing Blame Again originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 22nd, 2010 at 00:24:16.

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Wrong Question

Listening to news about Tiger Woods today, we heard one "teaser" that asked "How will he rebuild his career?" Isn't this the wrong question? Shouldn't the question be "How will he rebuild his marriage?"

According to the official Tiger Woods site, Tiger is not having a news conference on Friday.

He does plan "to discuss his past and his future, and he plans to apologize for his behavior. While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that's what he's going to discuss."

Hopefully, he already began the "process of making amends" with his wife Elin.

Wrong Question originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 02:08:23.

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Mission Impossible

Staging a passionate rendezvous with my husband has become an adventure!

Marriage Builders

Six great ways to strengthen your relationship during the parenting years.

Thanks a Lot, Jane Austen

One trip to the movies had me wondering, Where's the love? the romance?

My Husband and Mrs. Quidd

Can modern technology prevent my husband and me from choking each other in the front seat?

Eating Down the Fridge

A year ago, Kim O'Donnel presented a challenge to her readers. She suggested folks take a break from food shopping and eat what they had stashed in their refrigerator, freezer, and pantry. This is something we've done for years during Advent and Lent and for a couple weeks before a vacation, but for some reason we don't plan our meals this way on a regular basis.

Talking about it this evening, we decided we should try the EDF challenge. It's just the two of us here and our new refrigerator is already busting at the seams.

In addition to achieving a more organized refrigerator and freezer, we won't fuss with one another over who left what too long in the fridge. I truly dislike discovering new living organisms (aka moldy food) in our refrigerator. We may also discover some new recipes using ingredients we already have sitting on the refrigerator door.

Have you ever tried "eating down the fridge?"

Eating Down the Fridge originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 04:36:46.

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Do You Have a Broken Heart?

In mid-2009, we wrote about long-time married couples who die within days of one another. Here's the "real story" behind stress cardiomyopathy which is sometimes referred to as the Broken Heart syndrome.

We've received numerous emails from folks who are experiencing extreme pain after the loss of a loved one. If you know emotionally that you have a broken heart, don't ignore any physical symptoms related to your heart. This could be serious. Talk to your doctor about your symptons.

Do You Have a Broken Heart? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 22:22:37.

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A Busy Day for Divorce Lawyers

Dan Couvrette, publisher and CEO of Divorce Magazine wrote, "A holiday like Valentine's Day underscores what's missing in these [troubled] marriages. It's not surprising that February 15 is one of the busiest days in a divorce lawyer's calendar."

Divorce attorneys agree that couples in troubled marriages need to identify the symptoms of divorce and seek help immediately.

Here are a few lawyers' tips from Wendy Jaffe’s book, The Divorce Lawyers’ Guide to Staying Married (Review): Read more...

A Busy Day for Divorce Lawyers originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 00:09:54.

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Looking for Free Marriage Advice?

If you are looking for free marriage advice or want to divorce-proof your marriage, check out what Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher have to say on Twitter on Valentine's Day this year.

Although they say they have no secrets to their 85-year marriage success, I think it will be interesting to hear what they have to say to marriage questions presented to them.

The Fishers are definitely in a select group. "Trent Alexander of the University of Minnesota's Population Center estimated there are about 1,000 couples across the United States that have been married 75 years or more."
Source: John Biemer. "With love, longevity, couples can reach 75th." Chicago Tribune. 5/26/2005. pg. 1.

Oh, just in case you wondered, the modern gifts for an 85th wedding anniversary are diamonds and sapphires!

Looking for Free Marriage Advice? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 03:15:54.

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Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment

Many couples, including the two of us, like to celebrate and reaffirm their love and commitment for one another by renewing their marriage vows, either privately or publicly, and by saying "I do" again.

Whether you renew your vows on your anniversary, on the anniversary of the day you met, or on a holiday like Valentine's Day, make sure you keep the event simple.

If you are considering having your marriage vows renewed, read our article to learn about the legalities of renewing your marriage vows, why people want to renew their marriage vows, what we recommend you do, and what we recommend you don't do. For example, we don't think you should make your renewal of vows look like a second wedding and we don't think you should ask for gifts!

Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, February 7th, 2010 at 02:01:04.

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Give the Best Valentine's Gift Ever!

Are you still trying to decide what to give your spouse for Valentine's Day? The best gift you can give is a more sensitive, loving, dependable, considerate, intimate, kind, and positive you!

In other words, look at behaviors you have that are hurting your spouse and your marriage. Then decide to stop doing them. Change doesn't come easy for many of us. Replacing a bad habit or behavior with a positive behavior is easier than just stopping the bad habit. You can do this!

Bob has managed this past week to keep the house at a temperature that I can live with. It's been great to not have to go outside to cool down! I agreed to having the electric blanket back on our bed so he isn't cold at night. We didn't bother to hook up my side of the blanket to the controls ...

Give the Best Valentine's Gift Ever! originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 at 02:33:16.

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Researchers Discover the Key to Happier Marriages and Lower Divorce Rates

According to an article in The New York Times, research is showing that marriages are happier and divorce rates are lower in marriages where the husbands are taking on more housework and the wives are working outside the home.

"And the blurring of traditional gender roles appears to have a positive effect. Lynn Prince Cooke, a sociology professor at the University of Kent in England, has found that American couples who share employment and housework responsibilities are less likely to divorce compared with couples where the man is the sole breadwinner."

We think this increase in marital stability should be considered good news. However, it doesn't appear to be positive news for those who continue to claim that a woman's place is in the home, or for women who have difficulty giving up their gatekeeping role at home, or for men who have an expectation that they should be the only one bringing home the bacon.

There are probably a lot of different reasons why the changing roles in marriage are helping to lower the divorce rates. Fewer financial problems and better communication were two factors that made our marriage stronger when Bob was a stay-at-home dad.

Tara Parker-Pope noted "The rate peaked at 23 divorces per 1,000 couples in the late 1970s, but has since dropped to fewer than 17 divorces per 1,000 couples. Today, the statistics show that typically, the more economic independence and education a woman gains, the more likely she is to stay married. And in states where fewer wives have paid jobs, divorce rates tend to be higher, according to a 2009 report from the Center for American Progress."

Since financial pressures are one of the main causes of divorce, the decisions you two make regarding employment scenarios needs to be based on what makes sense for both of you. Realize too, that through the years, circumstances will probably change and your decisions will need to be reevaluated.

Researchers Discover the Key to Happier Marriages and Lower Divorce Rates originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010 at 00:38:32.

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Talk to God Together

Why praying with your spouse can boost your marriage and your faith

My Gift

When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I wanted to give her something meaningful to let her know I'd always love her. But what could I give?

Does It Make Any Difference?

Andrea Thompson, in an article for LiveScience on "What type of Cheating is Worst?", reported that "Men tend to be more bothered by sexual infidelity, while most women are bothered more by emotional infidelity ... The problem with the prevailing idea was that while men were more likely than women to rate sexual infidelity as worse than the emotional kind in studies, there was still a small subset of men who put emotional infidelity at the top of the list, said Kenneth Levy, a psychologist at Penn State."

I don't see where it makes any difference. For many individuals, cheating is cheating. If your spouse cheated you probably want to know why your spouse cheated and if your marriage will survive.

When a person makes the selfish decision to be unfaithful, I don't think much thought is given as to which kind of affair will most bother his/her spouse.

Does It Make Any Difference? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 1st, 2010 at 02:53:39.

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