Sex and Baseball

It took my wife's orgasm analogy for me finally to hit a homerun

Marital Drift

Want to be more in love tomorrow than you are today? The answer might be found in your past

Domestic Violence Against Men

When we write articles about abusive behavior and domestic violence, we try to make sure we don't slant the article towards men always being the abuser. We do this because we've read reports showing that often times, it is the wife who threw the first punch.

Glenn Sacks and Ned Holstein's article, "No One Believed Me", is the latest article we've seen on this issue.

Sacks and Holstein write: "... more than 200 studies have found that women initiate at least as much domestic violence (DV) against their male partners as males initiate against their female partners. The most recent large-scale study of DV was conducted by Center for Disease Control and Prevention researchers and published in the American Journal of Public Health. The study, which surveyed 11,000 men and women, found that according to both men's and women's accounts, 50 percent of the violence in their relationships was reciprocal (involving both parties). In those cases, the women were more likely to have been the first to strike. Moreover, when the violence was one-sided, both women and men said that women were the perpetrators about 70 percent of the time."

There is not a whole lot of support for men who find themselves victims of domestic violence. Often when these men do seek help, they "face hostility or indifference from domestic violence hotlines, service providers, and law enforcement."

Even when children are not directly physically injured by their parents' abusive behavior, John Hamel, LCSW, reports "There is an overwhelming, irrefutable body of research indicating that children are adversely affected by witnessing inter-parental violence, regardless of the perpetrator's gender."

If you are a victim of domestic violence, please get help and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline telephone number:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233);
1.800.787.3224 (TDD)

Husband Bashing

When I joined in on a gripe-fest about spouses, God taught me a lesson I'll never forget.

Early Crisis and Sacrifice Keys to a Successful Marriage?

In her article, "In Marriage, Worse First Can Mean Better Later," Tiffany Sharples wrote "Surviving the gauntlet of misfortune early in a relationship can be a valuable litmus test, say counselors."

She also mentions that experts believe "mutual support and a willingness to sacrifice" are "key predictors of a resilient relationship." I'm not a selfish person but the term "sacrifice" bothers me along with the phrase "willingness to forgo personal interests."

Sure, giving up something I want to do now and then isn't an issue. However, if Bob would expect me to permanently give up something that is important to me, we would have a problem on our hands.

I'm glad to see that the article also mentioned respect, pride, love, and communication as other keys to a lasting marriage. We would put respect at the top of the list, followed by communication. Participants of our Marriage Qualities Survey also put love, respect, and communication in their top five choices. Being willing to sacrifice is about in the middle of the long list of write ins.

Random Reflective Ramblings

I'm in a reflective mood this morning. Do you ever find yourself realizing all of a sudden that there is something seemingly inconsequential from your past that you miss?

When I heard that Les Paul had died, the Les Paul and Mary Ford sound lodged in my head and I realized I hadn't heard it in a very long time. And I miss that sound.

Looking through a catalog of furniture last night I came across some chairs that had doilies draped across the backs. My grandmothers always had doilies like that on their chairs. I think I have some of those linens stashed around here somewhere.

And then I saw this picture of clothes pins and remembered hanging out clothes with my mom and my grandmothers. I remember the laughter and the good natured teasing and the serious talks we had while putting clothes out to dry. I miss those times.

Perhaps this reflective mood is because we will be gathering with several of our children for a visit next week. My being reflective could be caused by having so much of what we own in boxes while we redecorate the upstairs.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad I had these thoughts. I look forward to sharing them with Bob, too. Do you share your random thoughts with your spouse?

Photo courtesy Photos8.com

Chocolate Can Be Good For Your Marriage

I knew it all along. Chocolate is healthy! Chocolate can also help your marriage.

How? According to Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald, chocolate can help with bad moods. Additionally, chocolate can make you feel good and is considered by many to be an aphrodisiac.

Dr. Fitzgerald: "Helps with mood: Chocolate contains tryptophan, a precursor of serotonin, which can help with depression. Research also shows chocolate can increase dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. Chocolate also contains phenylethylamine (PEA) known as the 'love chemical.'"

"It seems that the health benefits of chocolate come in packages that don't include nougat, caramel, or high amounts of sugar."

"Most studies were done using cocoa powder or dark chocolate. Experts suggest that adding small amounts (a one ounce piece a few times a week) of dark chocolate to a healthy diet that includes antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables will give you a variety of phytochemicals (beneficial elements of plants) that have proven health benefits."

So feel free to enjoy chocolate and to give chocolate as a gift to your spouse!

Photo courtesy Photos8.com

Our Interesting Approaches to Tithing

And what really works

Feeding Frenzy

Keeping up with my husband's snacking was weighing me down.

What's Wrong with Happiness

When marriage fails to satisfy, check your expectations

Needless Needling

One couple's bad behavior makes us reflect on our own.

Do You Unplug the Coffee Pot?

I read a post today at Wisebread.com about some practical uses of a digital camera. We've used my cellphone to "remember where you parked your car" at airports and shopping malls. We also leave messages to ourselves on the cellphone reminding us of where we put the parking ticket stub. Sure helps alleviate stress when returning home from a trip!

One tip made me smile because it brought back memories of my asking Bob whether or not appliances were unplugged.

"Show your spouse that you did unplug the coffee pot, toaster, and any other devices with a dated digital image so you don't have to go back home and check to make sure."

One memory involved Bob waking me up in the wee hours of the morning, when we were 3 hours away from home, with the statement "I don't know if I unplugged the coffee pot." Thankfully our friendly local sheriff's office checked our home for us and called us to let us know it was still standing. He even turned off the power at our request.

We now have a coffee pot that turns itself off! Do you unplug the coffee pot, toaster, etc., when you leave the house? Does it cause any irritation in your marriage?

Photo: Somadjinn / morgueFile

"Covert Love Note Operative..."

Simple ways are usually the best ways to say "I love you" to your spouse. A simple thing you can do is to hide love notes for your spouse to find.

Now and then, the cartoon Rose is Rose focuses on the characters hiding love notes. Check out the cartoon strip for August 1st! Making time to write and leave the love note in a special place definitely gets the "I love you" message delivered.

Another Study, Another Warning About Cohabitation

If you lived together before getting married and sort of slid into marriage or allowed yourself to be nudged into marriage by practicalities, researcher Galena Rhoades of the University of Denver believes your marriage could be at risk for divorce.

Rhoades: "Those who moved in with a mate before engagement or marriage reported significantly lower quality marriages and a greater potential for split-ups than other couples."

Other studies show that cohabiting couples who attend premarital workshops increase their chances of a successful marriage.

Sliding into marriage or marrying for practical or financial reasons isn't limited to couples who cohabit. Unfortunately there are many wrong reasons couples use to get married.

Keeping Your Birth Name Not So Unusual Now

When brides decide to keep their birth names after marriage, people aren't shocked. That wasn't the case back in the 1850s.

Lucy Stone started the trend to keep her own last (birth) name when she married in 1855. Much later, in the 1970s, more women made the same decision regarding their surnames.

It was thirty years ago that the ACLU filed a lawsuit in Rhode Island concerning a woman's right to choose which name she wanted to use. According to wowOwow.com, "Now, 30 years later, many women choose to keep their surnames, or tack their married names on to the end of their name, for a number of reasons, both personal and professional. Sometimes, women just like their maiden name better."

I am grateful that Lucy Stone and Henry Blackwell had enough love and respect for one another to walk that unpopular journey so many years ago.

Marriage Advice in Ten Words or Less

Trent Hamm, on a blog we follow about finances, The Simple Dollar, listed entries he considered "really useful, worthwhile, or entertaining ... short, snappy, and valuable" career advice. We think the format of ten words or less is brilliant! So ...

What is your best marriage advice in ten words or less?

You can share your marriage advice here or on Twitter.

Here are a few examples:

• Bob & Sheri: Say I love you every day.
• Khalil Gibran: But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
• Arthur Cohen: Do not over romanticize.
• Renee Flager: Don't discuss sensitive subjects before dinner -- eat first.

Readers' Responses

Speak Up But Don't Bicker

Stefanie Kranjec of Reuters reports the University of Michigan's seventeen-year study following 192 couples revealed that "fighting with your spouse can actually be good for your health ... The study found that those who kept their anger in were twice as likely to die earlier than those who don't."

The results of a study in 2005 at Ohio State University reported that couples who bicker a great deal set themselves up for serious illnesses such as ""depression, as well as heart disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and general physical decline."

So it appears from a health perspective, couples shouldn't bicker but at the same time they should not keep their anger in. We think these studies support our belief that married couples should learn how to fight fair.

When you fight fair, you are not bickering and you are not keeping your anger in. You are expressing your frustration and anger in a healthy way -- both for your marriage and yourselves.

Photo: Stockbyte / Getty Images

Sexual Fulfillment: Important to Your Happiness?

The folks at The Women on the Web put an interesting poll on their site today: How important is sexual fulfillment to your overall happiness?

Our initial thought was that sure, folks will say that sexual fulfillment is important to their happiness. But then we thought about our readers' emails, responses, and comments to content that we have about low sex marriages, and we're not so sure. What do you think?

Our poll about low sex marriages has over 8000 votes with 86% saying they have a low sex marriage. Additionally, one of our blogs from 2003 about living without sex is still attracting comments. Our Marriage Forum is full of posts from frustrated readers with low sex marriages.

If it is an issue in your marriage, how have you dealt with the issue of differing sex drives?

Do Your Mealtimes Matter?

A few years ago, Leslie Kaufman wrote an article about how she and her husband and two boys "eat balanced and even inventive home-cooked meals most nights." Kaufman knows all the challenges and pitfalls of having family meals yet she wrote "it can be done ... The key to long-term success is not so much the food but the pacing and organization of the meals."

When our kids were young, we tried to place a high priority on mealtimes. We recognized the importance of having time as a family to connect each day. The most popular family meals were Bob's tacos and my pita bread pizzas. Both meals involved setting out bowls of sauce, grated cheese, chopped tomatoes, sliced olives, minced onions, diced mushrooms, etc. The kids enjoyed being able to pick and choose what they wanted.

Even now, although Bob and I are in a dual-diet marriage, we find the tacos and pita bread pizzas still work for us. When we fix tacos, we put out refried beans for me. The pizza sauce is made without meat and Bob adds pepperoni to his pizza.

Share how you make family mealtimes a top priority in your family.

Talking About Death With Your Spouse is a Gift of Love

Do either of you have a living will? Have you talked about creating advanced directives?

In an interview with Joan Larsen, Jane Brody discusses talking about death and the importance of living wills. She suggests that your spouse and family members should know where your living wills are kept. Hopefully the documents are in an easily found file in your home. She also recommends that you keep copies of your living wills in the glove compartment of your car.

"Having a health care proxy is even more important than having a living will, which can be misinterpreted or overridden to your disadvantage ... you can review six simple yes-or-no questions suggested by New York's Office of the Attorney Gernal, in an excellent document called 'Planning Your Health Care in Advance.'"
Source: Jane Brody's Guide to the Great Beyond: A Practical Primer to Help You and Your Loved Ones Prepare Medically, Legally, and Emotionally for the End of Life. Random House. 2009. pg. 40.

Although for many couples, talking about death is difficult, we believe discussing end-of-life decisions with your spouse is a gift of love. Having the talk is too important to put off.

Impossible Balancing Act?

Nora Ephron once wrote, "When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was."

It's no surprise that when you have a baby or two or three, your lives change. In the midst of that change and the tiredness that you feel, you need to keep your marriage on solid ground, too. Is this an impossible balancing act?

No, it doesn't have to be an impossible balancing act. Teri Cettina, in her article "How to Save Your Marriage From Your Kids" wrote "... you don't have to choose between a happy marriage and happy, secure kids. By having the first, you'll likely get the second as well."

Cettina offers suggestions that could strengthen your marriage in the midst of your tiredness:

• Welcome one another warmly when you reconnect each day. Show affection for each other.
• Find some household chores you can do together.
• Don't be a gatekeeper.
• Put a high priority on setting early bedtimes for your kids.
• Don't be afraid to schedule sex to keep the intimacy in your marriage.
• Remember the importance of date nights. The time together doesn't have to be an elaborate evening out.

According to Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D., "The irony is that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things you can do for your kids. You and your husband are modeling a good relationship, which sets your children up for better marriages themselves when they grow up."

I Don't Buy It

"I Don't Buy It" is a thread on our Marriage Forum that refers to "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" by Laura A. Munson. The article was published last week in The New York Times.

"It's a story about hearing your husband say 'I don't love you anymore' and deciding not to believe him ... I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, 'I don't buy it.'"

Reading the article and the many comments attached, we think someone needs to say "wait a minute!" Do you really believe that a detached passive-aggressive approach is the way to save a troubled marriage? When her husband "spent the summer being unreliable" do you really believe that Munson didn't suffer or that their children didn't suffer? While she "ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs" don't you think their kids noticed their mother being verbally abused?

We like some of the points made by Munson. We agree that we are each responsible for our own happiness. Additionally, we are big fans of alone time.

Sure, it is best to talk with one another during tough times or when your marriage is in a rut in a calm, reasonable, and rational way. However, we take issue with Munson treating her husband like a child, with her taking on the martyr role, and with her denial of his feelings and thoughts.

We hope Munson's husband is truly back and not just as the yard guy, repairman, and to pay the bills. Read the article and let us know your thoughts.

I Had an Affair

My husband wasn't making me happy. So why not look elsewhere for intimacy?

Ikea No Longer Makes Me Cry

Sometimes the smallest sacrifices are the most difficult, but can also mean the most