Peaks, Valleys, and Rails

Maybe married life isn't just about reaching the mountaintops and avoiding the dark times.

A Family of Two

We didn't choose to be child-less, but we've discovered some great things about our marriage because of it.

So Why Not?

In January 2009, when Khloe Kardashian split with another NBA player, Rashad McCants, she said, "Our time together was just so limited because of both of our schedules that we decided it is best not to be in a committed relationship." We wonder what has changed. Surely Lamar Odom's schedule is just as hectic.

A source close to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom said in an article at People.com, "It's [their wedding] going to make for huge ratings, and Khloe and Lamar are sure about everything, so they all figured, ˜Why not?!"

So why not? We are concerned whenever a high profile couple has a whirlwind romance and then rushes to the altar. Getting married so quickly and without any quality premarital education is not a good example to set for other couples. We sincerely hope that Khloe and Lamar don't join our list of shortest celebrity marriages.

Can a Movie Boost Love Letters?

John Keats, the 19th century romantic poet, wrote three of his poems during a two-year love affair with Fanny Brawne.

Kristin Fritz, in her article, "Will 'Bright Star' Revive the Love Letter?" asks:

"Whatever happened to love letters, to love poems ... to that classic kind of romance? ... Is the art of the love poem and the love letter lost? In this digital day and age, long, hand-written, thoughtful letters -- let alone poems -- seem so far from our minds as we dash off 160-character texts, e-mails and instant messages on the fly. Everything and everyone seem to be going paperless and, with that, seemingly thoughtless. Is there a chance, however, for a resurgence of interest in the thoughtful, time-consuming written word?"

We hope the answer to her question is yes and that folks, especially married folks, will write more love letters. Let us know what you think of the movie Bright Star.

Oh, and even if you are not a lover of poetry or a fan of romantic movies, read a few of Keats's words. They may inspire your own creative juices as you write a love letter to your spouse.

Looking for Something To Do Today?

We encourage, actually nag, couples to have date nights. Here is an opportunity for you two to have a date day. Thanks to Museum Day, hundreds of museums will offer free general admission on Saturday, September 26, 2009.

Take a few minutes to discover participating museums close to your home. You will need to print out an admission card.

I love visiting museums and through the years, Bob has developed an appreciation for what museums have to offer, too. We were delighted to see that even though we live in a small town, there is a participating museum near us.

Rest, Renew, & Retreat

A couple's spiritual getaway doesn't have to be the typical prayer, fasting, and religious routine.

Sleeping Separately -- A Good Idea For Some Couples

There's a lot to be said for getting a good night's sleep. More studies are emphasizing the importance of getting enough sleep. Our own unscientific poll on being willing to have separate beds reflects people wanting to be able to sleep soundly and through the night.

Sophie Keller shares 9 reasons to sleep separately. The bottom line she says is your health.

"Sleeping separately can initially take a lot of guts to try it out, because you have to dispel the belief that it is not good for your relationship and not be too concerned about being judged by others. The most important aspects to think about are, what is best for your health? And what is best for the longevity of your relationship? Then make a joint decision from there."

Bob just finished wallpapering our bedroom. As soon as he gets the new flooring down, we will have our bedroom back and our bed back! I do so miss our bed. Even though we aren't the most compatible couple when it comes to sleeping, we do prefer sleeping together. But now and then, we each really need an uninterrupted night of sleep and we snooze in separate rooms.

If your incompatible sleep habits wear you down due to your lack of sleep, consider sleeping apart. It is okay. It doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble.

Do You Feel Helpless in Your Marriage?

I walked the beach today and noticed a mom consoling a young boy who was devastated as his sand castle was washed away by the incoming ocean waves. I remember that feeling of helplessness as a kid and I remember that feeling of helplessness as a wife and as a mother and as a daughter and as a friend and as a citizen of this world.

All of us will have moments of feeling helpless. Some of those helpless moments will wash over us like the ocean waves and nearly knock us over. Other helpless feelings won't be as lasting or as intense. But they will appear uninvited in our lives.

I think it is critical that you and your spouse can talk about these feelings of helplessness when they happen. Don't try to hide them and don't try to ignore them.

Rosh Hashanah and Interfaith Couples

For many Jewish-Christian interfaith couples, Rosh Hashanah begins the seasonal challenge of how to observe and respect one another's religious traditions.

Some spouses decide to provide a thoughtful Rosh Hashanah meal while others find meaningful ways to show their support of their spouse's faith traditions. Here are coping tips for interfaith couples dealing with the issue of winter holiday celebrations.

Dance With Your Spouse!

The Rod Run to the End of the World is this weekend. Watching all the vintage cars drive by our home is like being in a time warp! I was hoping there would be a 50s dance this weekend, but haven't found it on the Rod Run schedule.

A way to increase the romance and intimacy in your marriage and to be healthier, is dancing together.

With all the hype over dancing shows such as "Dancing With Stars," more married couples are dancing with one another on a regular basis. If you need encouragement to start dancing with your spouse, read the many reasons to dance with your spouse.

Poll:
How often do you and your spouse dance together? Vote!

Negative or Positive?

Negativity wears me down. After viewing too much negativity on the news or listening to someone whine on and on, I want to run to the beach to escape. This happened to me today when a person I haven't heard from for years and years and years found our phone number and called me.

Negativity can wear you down, too. If the negativity is from either you or your spouse, the negative vibes can wear down your marriage. How do you see yourself in your marriage? Are you a positive person or a negative person?

If you find yourself leaning more to a negative personality, consider Jack Canfield's steps to staying positive in down times. I particularly like his suggestion to believe in yourself, to stop complaining, and to use affirmations to build your own self-confidence. I would also add to accept that your spouse's role in life is NOT to make you whole. Filling your basic emotional needs is your job.

Are You Completely Honest With Your Spouse?

Are you completely honest with your spouse? Should you be completely honest with your spouse? In an article at Lifehack.org, Dustin Wax asks "Can You Be Truly Honest?" If your spouse wants to know how you liked dinner, and you didn't like dinner, is telling a little white lie all that bad?

According to Wax, "Why have a fight with your spouse over an outfit when it's so much easier to just say "you look great, honey"? ... If you could be totally honest, at least with the people who matter most in your life, what would change? Would it be better or worse?

We do believe in your right to privacy even though you are married. But there are limits to this. While you may have what you consider valid reasons for keeping a secret or for lying, we believe that withholding necessary information about important issues in your relationship such as finances or illness can seriously hurt your marriage.

Labor Day in Your Home

As we approach Labor Day in the U.S., it is a good time to talk about how the two of you divide the household chores.

Although it hasn't always been this way in our home, Bob now does the cooking around here and I take responsibility for cleaning the kitchen. Bob does the laundry and I fold and put clothes away. But if one of us is not feeling well or feels overwhelmed by other things we are doing, we are both willing to step in and get the chore done. It works for us.

We think it is important that you discuss what is important to you both and what isn't when it comes to a clean house, handling finances, taking care of the yard and vehicles, childcare, and mealtimes. As you set your priorities as a couple when it comes to chores, be considerate of one another's body clocks and don't try to control how your spouse does a chore.

And don't nag!

What is the Right Age to Get Married?

Every week we receive several emails from teenagers who want to get married. We respond with reasons we hope they wait until they are in their mid-twenties and our hope that they do research on the legalities that could impact the rest of their lives if one is over the age of majority.

An article by Monica Hesse in the Washington Post Magazine, "The Marriage Divide" notes that her friends on the East Coast tend to think that getting married at the age of 26 is getting married too soon, while her friends who live in the Midwest thought it was about time that she tied the knot.

Hesse wrote: "In the end it didn't matter. You can't choose the age you are when you meet the person you want to spend your life with ..."

We do think it matters. Couples may not be able to choose when they fall in love, but they can choose when they get married. We continue to believe couples can lower their odds for divorce if they wait until they are in their twenties.

Can You Die of a Broken Heart?

Every now and then we read a notice in the newspaper about an elderly widow or widower dying shortly after the death of their long-time spouse. Relatives often believe that their grieving parent or grandparent died of a broken heart.

Is this really possible? Can people die of a broken heart? According to Dr. Holly S. Andersen, "The answer is yes. A traumatic breakup, an extreme argument or experiencing the death of a loved one can elicit the release of stress hormones that can trigger a heart attack in people prone to them, induce a life-threatening arrhythmia or cause a syndrome that mimics a heart attack in otherwise healthy hearts."

"Besides experiencing the strain of stress, of emotional overload, and of not taking care of oneself properly, it is also possible for grievers to be at higher risk for health problems. Various studies have shown that surviving spouses may have increased odds of suffering heart disease, cancer, depression, alcoholism, and suicide, says Dan Leviton ... He notes, though, that not everyone has higher risk for disease because they may cope well with loss."
Source: Dulce Zamora. "Death from a Broken Heart." Medicinenet.com. 11/24/2003.

If you are coping with the death of your spouse, one of the most important things to remember is that you must take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. That means getting regular sleep, consuming a healthy diet, drinking enough water, exercising, and having some fun and laughter in your life.

Medical Bills Can Lead to Divorce

When one of you becomes very ill, your marriage may suffer. But you may not realize the total impact that a severe illness can have on your marriage.

An article in The New York Times by Nicholas D. Kristof, "Until Medical Bills Do Us Part" tells about a long-term married couple who were advised to divorce to ease the financial toll the husband's dementia would place on the famiily.

"The hospital told M. not to waste time in dissolving the marriage. For five years after any divorce, her assets could be seized " precisely because the government knows that people sometimes divorce husbands or wives to escape their medical bills ... M. still helps her husband and, quietly, continues to live with him and care for him. But she worries that the authorities will come after her if they realize that they divorced not because of irreconcilable differences but because of irreconcilable medical bills. There were awkward questions from friends who saw the divorce announcement in the newspaper."

Kristof's article also mentions "A study reported in The American Journal of Medicine this month found that 62 percent of American bankruptcies are linked to medical bills. These medical bankruptcies had increased nearly 50 percent in just six years. Astonishingly, 78 percent of these people actually had health insurance, but the gaps and inadequacies left them unprotected when they were hit by devastating bills."

The fact that married couples could lose their savings and combined assets if a spouse becomes seriously ill isn't right. The fact that a surviving spouse would "face a bleak retirement with neither her husband nor her savings" isn't moral. What do situations like M.'s say about our society's support of marriage?

Photo: Photodisc / Getty Images

Questions About Nancy Garrido's Role

As news reports reveal more and more about the kidnapping and imprisonment of Jaycee Lee Dugard, very little is being revealed about Nancy Garrido's role in the captivity and abuse of Jaycee.

"Nancy Garrido is 'legally charged with rape based on the theory she participated in it,' Clark said. 'We don't have to prove she physically did a rape. All we have to prove is she aided and abetted with knowledge of the crime.'"
Source: Linda Goldston, Robert Salonga, John Simerman. "Mystery surrounding kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard deepens." MercuryNews.com. 8/28/09.

"Authorities are trying to piece together how and by whom Dugard was held during Garrido's four-month absence ... Nancy Garrido also fits the "dead-on" description he gave of the woman who pulled her into the car."
Source: "Cops: Kidnap suspect eyed for murder links." MSNBC.msn.com. 8/28/09.

Although visiting regulations today wouldn't allow Nancy to even visit Phillip Garrido at Leavenworth since they didn't have an established relationship prior to his incarceration, she was apparently allowed to marry Phillip while he was in prison. We wonder if Nancy, like many women who marry prisoners, was shy, dealing with a low self-esteem, thought of herself as an outsider, was a victim of abuse, or deeply wanted an emotional relationship. Regardless of her reasons to want to marry Phillip, their marriage was not a good idea.

It is no secret that we are against prison marriages. We believe prisoners should not be allowed to get married while they are incarcerated. The prison marriage of Nancy and Phillip Garrido reinforces our belief.

Communication Mis-match

My friend's expectations almost ruined their anniversary

Oh, Wilderness

We compromised ... and took his dream vacation

Joy in the Journey

The relational glue that helps us pursue oneness

To Follow Him Home

We needed a place to live. But what would living with his parents do to our marriage?

Why Does My Spouse Make Me So Angry?

Four insights that changed my marriage

The Price of Advice

Before you act on unsolicited marital pointers, consider the source.